Television has taught me that the following parts of my body aren’t good enough:

My eyes

My lips

My hair

My stomach

My arms

My thighs

My feet

My nails (toe and finger)

My skin

My glasses (okay, not quite a part of my body)

My clothing (see above)

… and the latest:

My teeth

There’s an awful lot of money to be made from telling people that there is something wrong with their bodies. There’s also no shortage of things to critique about people, although the market is getting rather saturated.

I’ve decided to create a new career for myself. I’m going to hire myself out and pay myself exorbitant rates to go and tell people what’s wrong with their bodies, based on nothing more than my own personal opinion. However, I will have a specialty; I’m going to concentrate on people’s earlobes. That appears to be an untapped resource.

I will roam the streets of downtown, telling passersby that none of them can have perfect earlobes without my new MiracLobe! MiracLobe will be in the form of a suppository cream that you use three times a day for six weeks, to give yourself fuller, rounder, more supple, soft and nibbleable earlobes.

MiracLobe! is not gender-specific! It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, hetero, homo, bi or undecided, male or female, MiracLobe! will work for you.

MiracLobe! works by quickly infiltrating the Darwin tubercle, adding definition and colour in this hidden area, before spreading through the rest of the ear to form this after image, seen here:

Are you not envious of these beautiful earlobes? Does your significant other say that he or she has lost interest in your earlobes ever since the baby came/car accident/job stresses started adding up/the new television arrived?

Do you know why that is? It’s because your earlobes aren’t good enough anymore! In this age of youth and beauty, you’ve gotten old! How the hell could you have let that happen? Don’t you know that’s death to any relationship?!?

We’re sorry, it’s just that we here at MiracLobe! feel passionately about the beauty of your earlobes, and we care deeply about the state of your personal life. We’d like to help you win back your significant other’s interest in your earlobes, to help you to a happier, healthier relationship.

If you still aren’t convinced that MiracLobe! is the right product for you, don’t listen to us! Listen to some of our happy customers:

“I always thought that putting something up my ass three times a day was… kinda… like… y’know … gay and stuff, but I really enjoyed it! Oh yeah, and MiracLobe! really worked and stuff, and now my wife can’t keep her teeth off of my wonderfully supple earlobes. Thanks MiracLobe! — you saved our marriage and gave me something to do when I’m watching tv.” — Roy, from Calgary

“I love MiracLobe! Men are always commenting on my earlobes in bars and on the street, and offering to suck them. It’s been the deciding factor in me opening up my home-based escort service, and everyone gets a happy ending with MiracLobe!.” – Tanya, St. Louis

And those are just a few of the thousands of people who’ve written in to say how much MiracLobe! has helped them.

If you think that MiracLobe! can help you, send credit card number, cheque or money order for three easy payments of just $29.95, plus $10.00 shipping and handling to the address provided by our helpful staff at litterbox jen at yahoo dot c a .

…it will work for you, otherwise you’ve wasted a lot of money

More things I don’t understand

Just because I’m in a contemplative or non-understanding mood lately, I have a few more things to cover under that same heading.

More things I don’t understand… guys who claim to love giving head and don’t wind up doing it. Do you think that “loving it” means you only do it once every two weeks when she’s fresh out of the shower? Nuh uh. Loving it means that it’s a part of sex that you like to incorporate on a regular basis; of course, if having sex every two weeks when you’re both fresh out of the shower is your regular routine, then by all means, don’t listen to me.

There seems to be a real trend in guys in my age range of sorts (30 and under, in particular), who state that oral sex is their favourite part of the equation. Now, I’m all a-tingle to hear this, but at the same time, I gotta figure that some of these guys are just selling a pretty story. Why is there such a proliferation of fish jokes if so many guys actually do prefer to give head than get it? I just don’t understand.

I realize that smell and cleanliness and flavours and the phase of the moon can all be factors that influence whether or not the experience is a positive one for both parties involved. If any of the above are real factors for you, then take your lady friend into the shower, give her a sexy wash, and either while in there or after you leave the shower, go to town.

If she doesn’t continue to get the hint, then it’s time to sit her down and have a good chat with her – but a positive one, not one that’ll send her off crying to a locked room, ‘cause then my friend, I doubt you’d be getting any from that point onwards.

Now, on the flip side (equal opportunity not-understandings, here), I don’t understand girls who claim to love giving head, then never do. I’m honest; I’ll admit that plenty of things influence whether or not I want to give head on a given occasion, and guess what guys? One of those big ones is… (*drum roll*) the smell factor! Yeah, that’s right – you guys don’t always smell like a bed of roses yourselves.

Face it, it’s an area of your body that generally gets somewhat sweaty, it’s bound up in underwear – especially if you have a predilection for tighty whities – and while it’s certainly natural for any area of your body to have some ‘flavour’ to it (“Garçon, I would like the steak with the sauce of penis sweat”), that doesn’t mean that anyone has to like it or that it’s a party in our mouths and you’re invited.

So, out of deference to our poor tastebuds and sense of decorum, if you’ve just been jogging around and working out, or even just running around all day in jeans that weren’t fresh out of the wash – how about having a shower before you start giving our heads the push? Then perhaps you will find that the lady who claimed to love giving head might be just a bit more enthused about the process.

That’s not to say that we can’t always bear the smell, or that the only way for either gender to have Fantastic Sex™ is for both parties to be fresh out of the shower, but sometimes it can be… overwhelming. The same as I imagine sometimes our parts can be overwhelming fresh out of the undermentionables. Turn about is fair play.

Now, if you’re fresh out of the shower, you’ve given your privates the sniff test and they passed, and your lady still only goes down on you when you beg and cajole and offer untold hours of oral pleasure in return… chances are you have yourself someone who wasn’t being fully honest when she claimed to be able to suck start a Harley and love every minute of it.

In this case, it’s more about communication if you really want to know what’s going on, and possibly get more head out of it. Ask her why she doesn’t like it, and be prepared for some honesty – maybe: “My jaw gets sore; my neck gets sore; you want me to talk and suck at the same time and I can’t do that; I don’t like the smell; it’s uncomfortable; I don’t want to deal with the mess at the end; I don’t want to swallow; I just don’t feel like it; you want head all the time; you’re too big…” there could be any number of reasons why, and hopefully your lady is able to tell you truthfully why she isn’t doing it as much as you want. Then you can work on things together from there.

But in the end, what it all boils down to for both sides of the gender divide is to avoid laying claim to skills or preferences when you just don’t have ‘em. That leaves room for those of us who do have the mad skillz to brag and be believed.

Another one is up.