Not again

I’m pretty sure I’m something of a failure as an adult.

I suck at cleaning, I find it all too easy to lose an evening reading cracked.com articles or posts in the fora (forums?) of getoffmyinternets.com, or looking at pictures on imgur.com, and I rarely meet the daily goals I set for myself.

I mean, sure, my kids are fed and clean (well, the baby is clean and the toddler is fed), but me? I just snacked on chips I didn’t need to eat out of boredom and frustration after falling asleep in front of World of Warcraft.

Somehow I became a 34-year old married person with a mortgage, car, two cats, two kids, and a decent amount of consumer debt.

I’m learning new things — the latest is jewelry-making — and I try to carve out time to read, but more often than not I look at the clock in the evening and it’s past time to go to bed and I haven’t done any of the crafting, writing, or reading I intended to do.

And getting into yet another new hobby, one that I hope to monetize, intimidates me. I’m too old, there’s too much to learn, I’ll never be great at it…

But so what? There are plenty of things I’m good at, and maybe things other people think I’m great at, and maybe that’s enough.

Of course I want to be awesome, I want to be outstanding, I want to have people think highly of me for actual skills, but that’s starting to delve into work territory and I’m trying to stay out of that realm for a little bit longer.

My husband and I are different in a lot of ways, but we seem to balance each other out well. During times of crisis, I can be counted on to see all the bad and anticipate all the worst, while he tells me there’s no point in worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. I have many insecurities, and I don’t think he has any. I’m afraid of things that rationally I know can’t hurt me, and he fears the big things. It’s a great help to have a calming influence around when I’m careening off the walls, but sometimes the lack of insecurities is frustrating.

Anyhow, no real point, just words to have words out there. Here we go again. Let’s see if this time I can make a habit of it.

4 thoughts on “Not again

  1. Sounds perfectly normal to me! When I first got to know you (online, so I guess it’s more like “know”), I was where you are now with the whole marriage and family thing. Some days having the kiddies fed is the entire answer to that day’s existential crisis. Other days, you beat yourself up. But time passes and three things happen. One, the kids take less time. Two, you find something to do outside of home and work that makes you feel like you aren’t just taking up space. And three, you start to cut yourself a lot of slack. (The fourth thing is that just when the kids aren’t sucking up as much of your energy, they start staying up later and you find you have to outlast them to have sex with your spouse. You didn’t want to know about that.)

    • Well, fuck me sideways, I’m honoured you’re still hanging around! Yours is a name I haven’t seen in a dog’s age and then some. πŸ™‚

      It seems weird to me to think back then that you were here. I don’t remember you talking about kids on your blog (understandable), so I’m embarrassed to admit I’m surprised to learn about them, but obviously happy for you. πŸ™‚

      I’ve definitely noticed that as the toddler levels up, she’s becoming less of a time-sink in some ways. The fact that she’ll play independently is a huge thing, though she lulled us into complacency by being a pretty easy two year old… now that she’s over 3, silence is a dangerous thing. Hell, just this morning she was telling me that the infant has purple soap, to which I just said okay, since that’s what I say to 99% of her stories… then asked what she meant, realized she was talking about the lavender baby soap that’s in his room, and asked what she had done with it. She had it, opened, in her room. She’d also put a soother and a toy in his crib, all while we were sleeping in this morning.

      /sigh

      Fortunately there wasn’t any mess in her room to look after, but the stench of lavender was on her and then on me. :/

      Anyhow. I’ve always been big on keeping my own identity, and my husband feels the same way. We’re parents, sure, but that’s not our only label, nor is it our own reason for existing, so we’ve both been good about keeping our outside interests going. As for the sex, well, that doesn’t surprise me. πŸ™‚

      Definitely thanks for the encouragement and for hanging around. Knowing at least one person’s reading is a help, even while I’m still trying to get that voice and the subject matter back. Apparently getting married turned me into a boring old with nothing to talk about anymore. πŸ˜‰

  2. That’s another joy of being so old — that I’m old school enough to be a person who still uses an RSS reader and has RSS feeds to follow. So, yes. As long as you don’t change your blog address, I’ll still be following and reading and pulling for you. πŸ™‚

  3. I never really got the hang of RSS readers, but I should probably start again — easier than trying to visit/remember each site individually.

    Anyhow, even though the URL doesn’t make sense anymore, it’s mine and I’m keeping it. πŸ˜‰

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