A small victory

Today was one of those days I’d consider a win — this whole weekend was, actually. I didn’t yell too much at the toddler, the baby didn’t quite get enough naps or sleep enough last night (cold, teething), but overall, it felt successful.

In contrast to my last update, I’ve done some adulting lately that makes me feel like I’m at least not a complete loss as I stare down what I considered to be middle-age (jfc), but my dad argued isn’t in fact the case. Of course, I’m sure part of that is that he doesn’t want to be thinking of what it would mean for him if his eldest daughter was middle-aged, but at the same time I’ve no doubt I’m being overly dramatic by classifying 35 as middle-aged.

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Not again

I’m pretty sure I’m something of a failure as an adult.

I suck at cleaning, I find it all too easy to lose an evening reading cracked.com articles or posts in the fora (forums?) of getoffmyinternets.com, or looking at pictures on imgur.com, and I rarely meet the daily goals I set for myself.

I mean, sure, my kids are fed and clean (well, the baby is clean and the toddler is fed), but me? I just snacked on chips I didn’t need to eat out of boredom and frustration after falling asleep in front of World of Warcraft.

Somehow I became a 34-year old married person with a mortgage, car, two cats, two kids, and a decent amount of consumer debt.

I’m learning new things — the latest is jewelry-making — and I try to carve out time to read, but more often than not I look at the clock in the evening and it’s past time to go to bed and I haven’t done any of the crafting, writing, or reading I intended to do.

And getting into yet another new hobby, one that I hope to monetize, intimidates me. I’m too old, there’s too much to learn, I’ll never be great at it…

But so what? There are plenty of things I’m good at, and maybe things other people think I’m great at, and maybe that’s enough.

Of course I want to be awesome, I want to be outstanding, I want to have people think highly of me for actual skills, but that’s starting to delve into work territory and I’m trying to stay out of that realm for a little bit longer.

My husband and I are different in a lot of ways, but we seem to balance each other out well. During times of crisis, I can be counted on to see all the bad and anticipate all the worst, while he tells me there’s no point in worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. I have many insecurities, and I don’t think he has any. I’m afraid of things that rationally I know can’t hurt me, and he fears the big things. It’s a great help to have a calming influence around when I’m careening off the walls, but sometimes the lack of insecurities is frustrating.

Anyhow, no real point, just words to have words out there. Here we go again. Let’s see if this time I can make a habit of it.