I’m not entirely sure where my mind is at. I don’t know if it’s because the daily grind is getting to me and there’s no end in sight, or if I feel a bit at loose ends without school hanging over my head, but some days, I just don’t know what to do with myself. Yesterday, for example, I was greatly looking forward to doing little to nothing all weekend, aside from going out tonight for a friend’s birthday. When the DB got home yesterday, he said how he hadn’t bothered getting anything from the store for dinner as he had thought about taking me out for dinner, then halfway home realized he’d made plans to go to the casino with his friend.

This bothered me and didn’t on a few levels — one, I had to go back to the store to pick up dinner fixings. Two, I hadn’t been considered in the plans for the casino, which, when I thought it was just the two of them, didn’t really bother me. When the friend arrived and his roommate/fwb/girlfriend was also there, I was a bit put out, though not hugely. I could’ve gone with them if I had really wanted to, but, like the night we all went to see Tropic Thunder, I would’ve felt as though I was possibly inviting myself along where I was, while not unwelcome, not necessarily invited.

Again, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal if it wasn’t for the pending possible Cuba trip. While we have a deal lined up to go to Hawaii (or Florida, or Las Vegas), the DB is going to look into whether or not this can be postponed, because his friend E (the same guy from last night) and his cousin A are looking to go to Cuba again, and the DB thinks it would be fun to go with them. Okay, cool — small group, good times, good people, no pressure to spend every waking moment with them, great.

Except then the roommate/fwb/girlfriend is probably going to go. Okay, five people, no big deal. Then the DB says that it’s getting to be a pretty big group — another guy from the store, and maybe L, A’s brother… so now we’re up to 7 and maybe growing. And as the DB points out, no, we don’t have to spend every waking moment with the group, but now… now I’m less eager to go, and I feel like a jerk about that.

Because, despite my social nature, my ability to make do in most situations, and all of that, I’m not a party person. I’m really strongly an introvert, and I need my decompression time. I hated being forced into group work when I was in school, I hate that my carpooling to and from work means that I am semi-obligated to make small talk for two hours a day, five days a week, I even sort of hate having people come to stay with us or us go to stay with them because of the social customs obligations. And that’s me — I’m the out-going one out of the two of us. I at least make the effort, most of the time, to be social in social situations. The DB, on the other hand, practically turns himself inside out in an effort to become tiny and disappear so as not to be obligated to socialize, make small talk, or whatever.

However, put him down with some of his friends, and he can be quite the reverse (though not usually when it’s family). I’m the same around my friends, though some days I’m quite quiet and content to just let the conversation go around me. If I haven’t socialized in awhile, I can be a bit difficult to shut up (even at work, my poor colleagues).

I know I’m almost certainly getting myself worked up over nothing, and I’m certain I have friends who can relate to how I feel and others who can’t even come close to understanding it, but I just feel unsettled about this, and definitely less excited about the prospect. Granted, I don’t even know if the DB has contacted the Hilton yet to see if we can even postpone the trip, but I definitely would love to go to Cuba. I just know I wasn’t too enthused about going with a couple of partiers (which A and E are), but at least there I know that we wouldn’t be expected to spend every waking moment with them, and no hard feelings. But if suddenly the group balloons to 7-plus people, many of whom are much more excited about the prospect of unlimited drinks than I am… I don’t know. Especially given that I really don’t know at least two of them who are going.

Yes, the DB would and probably will tell me I’m being ridiculous if I bother to tell him how I feel. But I just feel as though lately we really aren’t spending any quality/couple time together, which is one issue, and I liked that our last trip I was able to spend tonnes of time on the beach, reading, taking naps, and relaxing. Sure, on the one hand I would’ve liked to have spent a bit more time doing things, but that wasn’t the goal for him, and that wouldn’t have been nearly as relaxing. I know this time I’d like to go to one of the clubs one night, but I also want a lot of that quiet time. I really haven’t had a break since August, as the October wedding was a bit spoiled by my grandfather’s death, and I worked through Christmas — and I imagine the DB feels the same way, minus the death aspect.

I booked a trip to go and visit my grandmother in March, so at least I have that. And yes, I do have weekends at least, but they fly by and are usually a combination of too short, feeling frustrated because I want to go out and don’t want to spend money/can’t drag the DB out of the house/don’t really have anywhere in particular I want to go/want to sit at home and do crafts/read/play on the computer, then back to frustrated because the weekend has flown by and I don’t feel as though I relaxed, accomplished what I wanted to, got out of the house enough, didn’t stay in enough, or *whatever*.

I guess this is just my seriously long-winded way of saying I don’t know if I’m *happy* right now, but I don’t know what it would take to make it that way.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s