I wish it were possible for me to just turn off my brain and/or get over things, I really do. I’m not much of one for astrology, but there are certain aspects to both of my signs (I’m born on the cusp, and have traits from both Leo and Virgo) that seem to affect my brain sometimes — and seem to apply to a friend of mine, R, that shares my Virgo side as well.

It seems to get worse as I get older; either that, or the many years of being on the pill have affected me. Quite possibly it’s a combination of the two.

It’s almost funny to me how I can practically chart what issues will arise and overtake my brain and when. Oh look! It’s approximately a week before I come off this cycle of pills, time to obsess over issue X.

And the greater challenge to all of this? Dating someone who feels that discussing issue X once or twice means that it has been covered and since there’s really nothing new to say about it, we don’t need to keep talking about it.

But my style is different. I talk things through to understand them, or I write about them (publicly or privately) to figure them out, either through the input of another or just through reasoning it through on my own. From my perspective, if there hasn’t been a solution or an explanation for issue X that I can understand, then it’s not resolved and it’s going to keep nagging at me.

Sure, sometimes even if there has been a resolution it may come up again, but I can either recant that resolution for myself and move on, or if something new has arisen, I can return to the issue and hopefully resolve it once more.

And yes, I overthink things and I keep thinking of things after they’ve possibly been concluded for their other party(/ies). That’s just how I am, unfortunately. Sometimes it works to my advantage, but sometimes it just means I dwell on things longer than perhaps I ought. See above: I’d love to just dismiss it and move on, but for some issues, particularly if I haven’t seen a resolution to them, voilà, I can’t.

*sigh* Add in a healthy dose of insecurity that likes to crop up now and again, and you have a great party in my head.

And so I resolve to myself to just not bring it up anymore, but that doesn’t really work, either. Sometimes I’ll bring it up, hoping for an explanation I can understand, but get nothing in return — because of course, we’ve talked about it previously, and there’s nothing new to say. I know in the past I’ve been frustrated by conversations that keep coming up and have no new aspects (hell, I still go through some of those with exes), but at the same time, I feel sometimes as though the answer I’m getting is nothing more than, ‘Just because,’ which really doesn’t help me any — and at least I try to provide more than that.

Maybe I don’t succeed, I don’t know. Sometimes, certainly, we can’t give any better answer than ‘it just is’ — but sometimes that’s all the answer I’ve given to someone because I didn’t want to chance hurting their feelings by saying more. I guess I fear that that’s the case in this situation, even if 99 of the other 100 clues are saying otherwise.

It’s a great party in my head, I’m telling you.

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