Awhile ago, some friends and I were sitting around and talking relationships and marriage. One of the theories that had come up was that, in relationships that fail, or marriages that end in divorce, often the fault lies directly with one of the people involved. My friend believes that some people simply would not be happy with anyone – that somep eople simply aren’t marriage material.
I got a bit depressed, wondering if I might fit that description, and when I shared the pertinent parts of the story with another friend, he thought the exact same thing about himself.
So I wonder – am I not the marrying type, or have I just not met the right person yet? Is there one or two ‘perfect’ people for us?
On a related side-note, in a recent conversation with the Newf, he mentioned that the last few years of dating, one of the considerations he’s made in girls he dates is the question of whether or not she’s marriage material, and how that was a weird transition to make. I mentioned finding it weird when I started looking for a ring on the hand of the guys I check out. Though I didn’t specifically mention it, marriage-material is definitely one of the considerations in long-term prospects. Growing up sucks.
Studies have shown that the number one thing that brings people together is proximity. We’re much more likely to find someone we consider a great match in or near our own city, rather than anywhere else.
This makes sense, because after all, even with the Internet, it’s hard – though not impossible – to make a long distance romance work.
Of course, I might have the phrasing on that wrong – it might’ve been the biggest attraction/draw. It’s been awhile since it was told to me.
Anyhow – I’ve known couples who’ve made it through LDRs successfully, and I’ve known others (and been one) who haven’t (hasn’t). I don’t really have anything new to say on the subject.
Back to the original discussion: What makes someone marriage material? Is it simply a willingness to adapt and compromise with someone else? Is it the ability to let go of the little things and only fight over the major issues? Is it always standing by and supporting your partner? Is it something else?
Is it a trait that my friend and I are lacking? Or does this just sound like a pity post?
I sincerely doubt that my friend meant for his comment to apply to me, and I’m sure the thought wouldn’t have even crossed anyone else’s mind, but… is there some fundamental train in me that makes me incapable of being satisfied with any one person?
I explained – very briefly, no more than a sentence or two – one of the main reasons for me to have ended things with the Smooshy. Oddly enough, my voice was breaking as I did so – though I sincerely doubt anyone but me noticed. It felt as though my comment was glossed over, too, but in some ways, it was that kind of a conversational evening – we all had a lot to say, and there weren’t any breaks in the conversation.
No answers – only questions.
I am somewhat looking forward to having a baby or twelve and getting to raise them as I see fit. But I don’t feel as though I would be any less of a person if I never did. Nothing against those who choose to procreate, but, well – any idiot can make a baby. It takes a good person or pair of people to be good parents. I know a handful of people who will be, though, so I’m not concerned about them.
I was saying to a few people that afternoon that I figure if there are to be wee ones in my future, that I’ll probably be single-parenting them. No one rebuffed that, so the (huge) insecure part of me wonders if they see the same unmarriageable part of me.
But despite all of this self-pity, I don’t believe that I’m unlovable, or unlikely to be married forever, or… I fear it, though. It’s not that I’m afraid to be alone – I love living by myself, and I love having a schedule untied to anyone else’s, but at the same time, I don’t want to be single forever.
I think I’m fairly lucky. Very recently, my life has taken some interesting turns that have brought some pretty awesome people into it. I’m also constantly reminded about how great my friends are, and how sometimes just how far a small amount of support can go. I don’t need someone to fawn all over me and tell me how wonderful I am all the time; sometimes a simple, “Stop doing this to yourself. You don’t deserve it,” is all that’s needed.
Maybe it’s due to going off the pill, maybe it’s due to the people around me, I don’t know, but for once in my life, I feel genuinely desired from many sides. My self-esteem feels good, and although there are still changes I’d love to make to my physique, I don’t feel as though I have to make them or no one will ever find me desirable. On the contrary, I’m lucky enough right now to have several people around telling me just how desirable I am. And of those, the ones who are able want to be with me for me – they want relationships with me, not just to see me naked once or twice. It’s a very affirming feeling.