Dear world,

Just because they’re not obvious to you, it does not mean that I don’t have feelings. I really, really do, I promise. Maybe I am, as you claim, hard to read; maybe you’re just not very good at it. I don’t know. But I assure you, I have feelings. In fact, sometimes it feels like I have too many feelings, and not enough space or rationality for them.

I’m just… I’m very tired of people assuming that I don’t get hurt, or feel, or even notice their words. I do. Hell, I know some people who think I’m too sensitive — so I guess I just can’t win.

Yes, I’m independent. Yes, I believe that it’s better and healthier to want someone around, but not to need them. I’ve had relationships and I’ve had failed relationships; I’ve been attached and I’ve been single. I’ve done great in both situations. I know I would continue to do great in either situation. I’m not afraid to be single, and I’m not afraid to be in a relationship.

What I’d like to know is how to know you’re with the right person. How do you know what sacrifices you’re willing to make, or what compromises you’re willing to accept in order to create a future with someone. What parts of myself should I change in order to accomodate someone else? Or do I change nothing, and insist that someone take me as I am? What if I’m trying to change small details of them — is it still fair of me to remain fundamentally as I am?

Well, I think the answer to that last part is yes. The fundamental parts of someone are, ultimately, unchangeable. But surface things… they aren’t so awful to change. If one or more of my piercings bothered someone, I could conceivably remove them; they aren’t a deep-down part of who I am. But if my lack of religious conviction, or my chosen hobbies, or semi-committment to my family or love of animals bothered someone, that’s different.

I have no point.

What I’m trying to say, in my tired and possibly otherwise affected stupor, is that I am who I am. I have feelings, I cry (semi frequently), I hurt, I feel… and if you can’t see that, then… I don’t know whose fault that is, I really don’t. It’s not as though this is an uncommon accusation — which makes me wonder just how on the line other people put themselves?

*sigh* Brain dumping is fun! 😛

And on another, very vague note… how much credence do I put to my thoughts and musings? Are they valid? Or are they temporary? Will I even know what I’m talking about tomorrow?

Am I a bad girlfriend, as I sometimes suspect?

What the fuck do you want me to say?

That’s a quote from before, but it seems apt.

When it comes to a vast difference in something major, who gets to ‘win’?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s