From yesterday’s “writing”:

I feel as though, if I were to sit in a book store all day, undisturbed, with food and beverages as I need them, I could write. When I’m surrounded by books, by the efforts of so many determined and successful people, I feel it is something that I too could achieve.

Instead, I wait for those brief moments of inspiration to come through and find my brain and spark something.

I need to go back to carrying a notebook — my little book for phrases, not the big, important ones that require full sentences and properly fleshed-out ideas.

I need to fight my way past my innate laziness and do things — be it clean my apartment, work out, pay attention to my cats, write, read or whatever.

Things collect dust in my apartment. I have a yoga mat and tapes, a boxing stand and bag, a bicycle… but I always have reasons not to do any of them.

It’s partly why I hesitate to take on new hobbies — who has the time? Though I do want to convert my second bedroom into a craft room/office… maybe somehow make the room huge and turn it into a library, as well. Speaking of which — finally got in touch with the landlord company to renew my lease.

And there endeth yesterday’s writings. Not very exciting, I know.

I’ve seen Batman Begins again — did that Tuesday night, with Ben and Stefan after pho. I slept horribly Tuesday night, which lead to some entertaining (for my coworkers) ranting and crankiness as I was leaving early to escort my friend E to her dentist appointment. She was having her two wisdom teeth removed, and needed someone to get her home and make sure she didn’t die, etc. Everything went fine, and I’m envious of her ability to recover from anaesthetic much faster than I do. Not that I spend a lot of time under general anaesthetic, so it’s not really relevant.

I’m starting to end up in overthinking mode. Making efforts to stay out of that world, though.

I used the phrase “carrying a matchstick” for someone awhile ago — I’m not even sure to whom I used it. I think it was Ben. Basically, it’s my version of “carrying a torch” for someone — if you’re carrying a torch, your feelings are that much stronger and obvious. If you’re carrying a matchstick, then it’s personal and perhaps known only to you, and doesn’t affect you except maybe every now and then when you think about that person. I liked the notion.

I watched Snatch last night, finally. Good movie, but I didn’t have as much trouble understanding Brad Pitt most of the time as I thought I might. Every now and then something other people didn’t necessarily come through, though, so early on I checked the subtitles to double-check what someone had said — and there wasn’t one. I think that was done deliberately, but it was still slightly annoying. There might be some clarification on the second disc, but I’m not sure I care enough to check.

I made sure to go to bed early, though. I was in bed before 10:30, and for some reason or another, spent some time imagining myself blowing up at someone over an issue that’s been going on for a long time. I kept imagining what I’d say, and how it would play out — and picturing it in front of a group of people so as to get the most effectiveness and support out of it. Because I know there are others who share my feelings, and have suffered worse and would support it… but public humiliation might not be the best way. It might, because it would probably stick the longest and be the most ‘serious’ manner of things playing out, but at the same time, it would probably generate the most resentment and anger — and not necessarily just from the target, either.

But then again, I don’t even know that this whole scenario I imagined would be necessary. I could very well be imagining something for nothing, which I often do — reconciliation scenes, debates, fights with friends… my brain is a very different place to live.

Sometimes I try to imagine who would be the ideal partner for my friends. Let’s face it — I’ve had a decent amount of dating experience, and I’ve seen a number of different couples and how they work. Sometimes, I get a weird feeling about a particular couple, and I don’t think they’re suited to the long-term. I’ve had discussions with a couple of my male friends how are honest-to-goodness nice guys ™ about how, if they end their relationships, they aren’t going to be bad guys ™. These guys don’t want to end things because of stupid reasons — they’ve invested a lot of time and energy in their respective relationships, and they’re at points right now where it’s possible it might just be time to move on.

Now, granted, it’s not up to me to make that call. I refuse to decide the fate of someone else’s relationship, because it’s not my place — I don’t even get to control the fate of my own. πŸ™‚ And maybe I’m not being the best of friends by saying to someone, “maybe you should think about ending it”… but I wouldn’t say it if they weren’t already maybe hinting around it and just needing someone to be the bad person ™ and verbalize their thoughts, and hey, maybe I am being a good friend by being able to step up and let them know that this might not be the worst possible thing they could do.

There are a few relationships that are around me that I’ve looked at and thought they wouldn’t last. Or maybe that they shouldn’t last. To most of the people in them, I’ve alluded to or flat-out said this. Actually, I’ve done that in the cases I can think of where I’m friends with someone in the relationship (except maybe one). Again, it’s not my place, etc., but… I don’t know. Am I a better friend for voicing my concerns, or am I a better friend for keeping quiet and supporting the people in their relationship decisions? What if those decisions involve more serious steps?

I’d like to think that if I was involved with someone my friends was a horrible mistake, that someone, somewhere would say something. In fact, to anyone who reads this and interacts with me on some kind of regular basis, I actively encourage you to do so. Give the guy a chance, perhaps, but feel free to step up to the plate and voice your concerns. I promise not to get upset with you for them. πŸ™‚

I know of one instance where an intervention was considered. I don’t know if I’d have the confidence to do that, so I applaud anyone who does. But I’ve also seen what happens when a concerned populace tries to voice their concerns — it seems to make the people being approached that much more stubborn and determined in their path. Of course, that time it was with a couple that was convinced it was doing the right thing; in other cases, maybe it works.

I’ve wondered if I should intervene in any of the cases I can think of, but I’m just not sure I feel right about doing so. My rule of thumb is that I very rarely voice opinions about someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend, because you never know when it’s going to come around and bite you on the ass. I’ll generally give my censored/guarded thoughts once, in a situation where I think the friend to whom I am speaking is receptive to them, and then that’s it. I guess my more recent version is to cautiously say to someone that they might not be a horrible person if they go ahead and end things. πŸ™‚

I’ve said many times that I want to get married. But I don’t kid myself that I’m going to find Mr. Perfect anytime soon — or maybe not even ever. I don’t pretend that this relationship or the previous one or the next one is going to be the right one. The best I can do is to just keep dating — selectively — and enjoying myself and any company I choose to keep. I think some of my friends worry that, given my desire to be betrothed, I’m going to rush into something stupid, or I’m going to settle for just anyone, or that in my loneliness and hunt for love, I’ll pick someone who’ll be, from the start, a mistake.

Not to worry; I’m (usually) more sensible than I seem. Although just like everyone, I’m entitled to mistakes. πŸ™‚

But what happens if you know someone that you fear might be settling? What about situations where they just seem to be contenting themselves with the best of the worst? What if you just haven’t dated enough to find someone that genuinely complements you the way, in my romantic mind, honestly should? Is it intervention time, or do you just accept that maybe you don’t know all of the details, because after all, a relationship is between two people, and only they know all of what’s going on — and sometimes, like in most of my relationships, only one of those two ever knows it all? πŸ™‚

Okay, so maybe I do overthink things… but sometimes it’s preferable to thinking about work. πŸ˜›

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