I like mine (mostly) foreign-object free

Last night was my weekly Pho and Bubble Tea night with a few friends. It was a small group; three of us for dinner, then joined by another friend and his girlfriend dessert/bubble tea portion of the night. While at bubble tea, we got to talking — about giant penises, and other anatomical matters. Those of you with a weak stomach might want to skip the next few lines — the rest should be safer.

My friend, known for his open-mindedness and generally high raunch level, told about a video he has that involves a women ‘giving birth’ to an octopus. Apparently she’s bent over in a bathtub, ejects this thing, then the camera guy kindly arranges it on her back for the world to see.

The rest of you can rejoin now.

Now, I didn’t watch the video, so I only have his telling of it to draw on, but quite frankly, I find it really disturbing and gross.

It really bothers me that there are so many images and so on in the media that treat women’s bodies — and especially women’s genitals — as no more than … fishy-smelling purses or something. I’ve seen pictures with women holding pint glasses full of beer in their vaginas, women inserting food items, glass bottles, stuffed animals, candies…

Sure, many times these are women doing this to themselves, but there appears to be a pervasive view in the non-mainstream media by men that we women amuse ourselves or get ourselves off by jamming anything and everything in there. Sure, there are women who masturbate themselves with food stuffs, and there are women who enjoy fisting, and I’m not trying to knock these practices at all. All the more power to you, and I do mean it.

But for other women – and here I was going to start off by saying the average woman, then decided that some of you might object to me applying that label to myself – the idea of cramming construction pilons into our cunts has never been something that gets the juices flowing, if you get my meaning.

I do not get wet between the legs at the idea of a glass pop bottle being used to get me off. I do not want to feel what it’s like to stick a lightbulb in my twat. I have no interest in trying to accommodate grapefruits or other food items. Personally, I prefer the feeling of a finger, the penetration of a penis, the distinction of a dildo, or the cleaving of my insides with an inflated condom (yeah, you can’t alliterate everything and still have it make sense).

All of that isn’t to say that I wouldn’t be open to some other alternatives, but I’d have to be pretty comfortable with them ahead of time – or at least aware. With enough time, I can accept almost anything, and who knows – maybe somewhere down the line I’ll be interested in exploring fisting. I understand it can be a very powerful, very intense act, and I believe it. It’s just not something that I feel the need to incorporate into my sex life at this time.

For now, I’m quite content with how fingers, dildos, and penises feel. I don’t consider my girl parts to be some sort of cheap party trick, suitable for keeping my keys safe and my coins hidden. Nope, if I’m going to be tucking away twenties, they’re getting stored in my bra, thank you very much.

Okay, that’s funnier if you know me – though I’m sure many of you are laughing at the idea of my secreting away large bills, stripper-like, into my undermentionables. I only do that when I’m stealing money from friends, for the record.

But getting back to the topic at hand, as it were… animals, alive or dead, are not going anywhere near or in my lady parts. Especially not seafood. But then again, I’ve ranted about that one before, so I’ll spare you all from it. For now.

But… am I totally off-base, or do the women that fill their parts with octopi and pint glasses and other unusual inanimate objects seem to be disrespecting their bodies in some way? Can you even be disrespecting your body if it’s your own? Or is this just my personal biases screaming through?

Mind you, I’ve pierced myself in places that make many people go, “Oh my fucking God!” Maybe I’m really not one to talk about disrespecting bodies – there are plenty of people who would point to me and say I’ve done just that.

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