Well, life is once again conspiring to teach me to never hope, and never expect too much. Also, to never open up to anyone aside from maybe friends, ’cause otherwise you will get kicked in the face and life will laugh at you.
I’m making this sound more tragic than it is, but really… why do I keep going down this road? Because I am a complete and utter *idiot*. I really, really am.
And so, it is time to realize that my plan to swear off guys was a really good one, and one that must be continued to be followed. Not that I actually fell off the wagon — or at least, not especially far — but now I’m back on it and saying to hell with it all. I have my cats, my health (more or less), a great apartment, a decent job, and good friends. Once I can back into the compartmentalizing and repressing, that number of friends will go up by one.
Now, whether we actually wind up getting together on Friday for that movie remains to be seen — life has also taught me that exes don’t often actually follow through on things like that, and I’m guilty of it myself.
It’s so weird how things can do a complete and utter circle in the space of a week. Pysched, excited, uncertain, eager… and now, back here. Really, this is the more familiar place, especially given my luck and so on. I should probably stop bitching, though; I really don’t have it all that bad, I just don’t have that person with whom I want to share it all.
I thought I was becoming a better person in some way; maybe I was horribly mistaken. Of course, regardless of the reasons given, I still hear it as my fault in some way — there’s something wrong with me that makes me unlovable; makes people like my company, but not enough to want to be with me; makes people want to fuck me, but that’s it…
*sigh* Just call me really, really, *really* done with guys.