It’s been a long time, but you still manage to be on my mind. I know that feelings hang around for awhile with me, but this… this seems to be different. I’ve been in this place once before, and it was something I couldn’t ignore. I didn’t, in fact; I slowly got up the courage and acted on it and it turned out pretty much in my favour. At least, until the end.
But that was him and this is you.
See, now… now I’m not sure. I know better than to act on what I’m thinking and feeling, ’cause I’m certain how you’ll react or act or what you’ll say and do, but sometimes, there’s that chance, you know?
We’re in different places now, and there’s a part of me that’s busy going, “hey, y’know what?” but that part of me has no shame and doesn’t mind humiliating me and so on.
There was more to you and I than others knew, and I know that that’s not something to pin hopes on, but it doesn’t point to bad things, for sure.
Sometimes I want to show up on your doorstep and say, “So, uh…?” and then I picture you patiently explaining to me why the answer is no, and so I hold myself back. Sometimes I want to call you up and ask you to go out for coffee, and explain where I stand on things and why and I think it’s not that awful, it’s not that scary, it’s not that … all of the things I’m making it out to be.
So I don’t know. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I guess it’ll be like last time; when I fall asleep at nights thinking of how I’d phrase things, my adrenaline going through the roof, making it near-impossible for me to actually get to sleep… that’ll be when I know it’s time to act.
In the meantime, it’s exercise (no more near-passing out at the gym), not updating this site, hanging out with the kitten, and hanging out with friends. Maybe I’ll get around to laundry and packing soon. 😛