The Drunken Whore Goes Online Dating

An Adventure in Disbelief and Hope

Since I’m old and bitter and never seem to meet anyone new, I decided a long time ago to test out some online dating sites.

I started out with one site, spoke to some nice enough people, and even met a few of them in person, but no sparks. One ongoing semi-friendship, however, so that’s been a bonus.

After some pushing and prodding from my trainer, as well as a great deal of apathy and curiousity on my part, I signed up for profiles on Lavalife.

I say profiles because there exist three categories on Lava – dating, relationship, and intimate encounters.

Since this was a semi-serious endeavour on my part, I started out with profiles just in the dating and relationship sections. But, alas, my curiousity and boredom got the better of me and I made an intimate encounters profile.

This is where the fun – in its most sarcastic, ironic and ridiculous sense of the word – begin.

Now, let me preface any of my negative (and positive) comments by saying that: 1) I went into the IE section with both eyes open; 2) if you go into a section designed specifically for hook-ups, expect propositions and the like; and 3) not all of the guys are awful, those are just the funniest stories to share, as with anything. I’m not trying to tash Lavalife or any other online dating service, just recount my own personal experiences – which may or may not reflect yours.

Okay, I think I’ve sufficiently covered my ass now.

Incidentally, the reason this column is so late (I actually started writing it February 15th, believe it or not) is because I had to amass enough material to write a proper column. Yeah, that’s it.

Anyohw, most of my time on Lavalife is innocuous enough. Sure, some people are dull or only looking to get laid, but you’ll find that anywhere. Of course, typically you’re not fortunate enough to see someone’s peener moments after saying hello to them for the first time (especially when it happens at 6 in the morning, just after waking up), but this is technology and progress, people!

Yeah, there’s nothing quite like the following conversation that took place between myself an a rather dull, unattractive penpal on MSN one afternoon:

Him: Want to see more pictures of me?

Me: (expecting head and shoulders images) (apathetically): Sure

Him: Do you want hardcore?

Me: Uh, stick to the tame stuff (expecting this will keep him to the head and shoulders images)

Him: (sends an image of his hardon)

Me: (flails wildly, makes a thoroughly disgusted face and some squeaking expression of disgust before immediately hitting “decline”) (all of which really happened, I shit you not)

Him: Oh, you’re not interested. That’s okay.

Let’s examine this conversational bit of wonder for a moment, shall we? First of all, if 1) I don’t know you, 2) I’ve never slept with you, or 3) I don’t ask, chances are very good that I don’t want to see your cock, whether it’s erect, flaccid or tattooed with a portrait of the prime minister in drag.

Second, what the fuck is with the guys in Lava having pictures of their cocks in either their backstage (i.e., invite-only) pics, or even just sending them around after two minutes of rather desultory conversation? It’s the same as the guys whose idea of chatting consists of “Hi… how are you… wanna watch me on cam/can I see you on cam/wanna get together and have a bath/sex/a threesome/join my wife/girlfriend and I…” ad nauseaum. Almost literally on that one, too.

Granted, I have a profile in the IE section. I can understand the requests, and yet… if anyone does more than merely glance at my profile, they can save themselves a lot of time, effort, credits asnd potential rude responses (or lack of any response). To whit, my profile states I don’t do hookups, and I’m not interested in guys old enough to be my dad. Basically, the more you’re on the wrong side of 30, the less likely I am to find you attractive (unless you are one of a very few select television/movie stars).

I do not list what encounters I am open to, but there is a population of guys on Lava that seems to assume that gives them carte blanche to suggest anything, and that “girl online” means “wants to see be seen naked/see them naked/engage in (insert choice here) form of cam/cyber activities.”

I think that unless it’s specifically stated, one should at least interact for a day or two before assuming the other wants to act out various scenes from porn films for you, but what do I know?

I also have to say that, were I of a different nature (which no one seems to understand, as being open-minded and able to discuss sex openly seems to mean I’ll do it with all and sundry who say hi to me), I could very easily have paid off all of my personal financial debts by now.

How, you ask?

Well, in my brief period of time on Lavalife, I have been offered $3000-$5000 to sleep with a guy’s brother for his 21st birthday (and official cherry-popping), sight-unseen (that is, I never saw a picture of either guy); I have been offered $3000 so someone could give me a massage; and finally, I was offered $3000 to strip on-cam one morning.

I figure all of these approaches are somewhat akin to approaching people in bars with pick-up line like, “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” – eventually, someone will say yes. But in the meantime, mean do you ever seem like a loser to all of the others with whom you speak.

That goes double for guys who ask about whether or not I’ve “ever been with a REAL man,” or ask if you know about the g-spot; these are their opening lines, I’d like to point out. Even better, the first guy (the REAL man), argued at length with me about how I hadn’t been with a REAL man, because the majority of guys I’d slept with were around my age (I forget what he said when I told him the oldest guy I’d slept with, at nine years my senior, was also the lousiest lay, and still ranks amongst the worst… I think he said something like, “Then he wasn’t a REAL man…”)… and then two days later was again asking if I’d been with a REAL man yet.

Y’know what my definition of a REAL man is? One who isn’t a jackass, certainly, but also one who’s interested in making sure his partner has as good a time as he – or better – who gets to know her as a person so he can be sure she’s happy with their sex life, and who doesn’t insist – without knowing a thing about her – that she’s never had good sex. There’s more, but I’m saving my ranting for other things, and that makes a better column for later. Let’s just say that it has been my experience that guys around my age are often better lovers because they aren’t set in their ways, can be taught, want to be taught, want to see their partners happen, and I reiterate, are open-minded. This isn’t hard and fast rule by any stretch, since some of the guys my age are also some of the really crappy lovers, but… that’s yet another column (I haven’t posted in awhile, I’m saving up topics).

Since I’ve been on Lava, I’ve gone out with a few people I’ve found interesting – coffee meet-and-greets, dinner, movie, and so on. It takes some time to weed through to find the quality guys, but they’re there.

For anyone who is doing online dating or thinking about giving it a try, I present to you:

The Drunken Whore’s Advice for Online Dating

Carefully amassed and researched from my own personal experiences… as is everything that appears on this site, to be honest.

1. Don’t misrepresent yourself. If all you want is no-strings monkey sex, say so. If you want to date, say that. This prevents problems later on, although you are always allowed to change your mind – just don’t be surprised if the person you’re trying to get isn’t into the change of plans, too. Just because your mind has changed doesn’t mean his or hers has to, too.

2. Don’t lie just to keep someone’s interest. If you smoke, have a significant other, or a fear of aliens bearing giant dildos, say so, especially when someone asks you directly – even if it means you two don’t connect and you really wish you would. If I meet someone who smokes and he’s told me he doesn’t, I’m going t be annoyed at the lie and maybe disappointed or upset in general. If my heart was set on dressing up as an alien and butt-fucking someone with a strap-on, well, I’m going to miss out.

Worse, if someone’s told me they’re single and I find out otherwise, I’m going to be pretty pissed – I have no interest in getting involved with someone who’s taken, especially if he’s fooling around behind someone’s back. With their knowledge and consent is another matter, but since the people I’m talking to are strangers to me, I can never be certain that, “Yeah, ewe have an open relationship and it’s all good” is really true.

Finally, since what I want is someone to date and possibly more, I’d prefer someone who’s single – I don’t necessarily see myself in a long-term polyamorous relationship, but then again, you never know.

3. Read someone’s profile before you start chatting with them. This way you can see beyond the pretty face or chiselled abs and determine ahead of time if your odds are good or not.

For example… my profile says I don’t want someone old enough to have fathered me. So if you’re over 40, or especially if you’re fifty (my dad’s next birthday), do some math and realize that chances are, this includes you.

Regardless of how in shape, nice or handsome you think you are or even might be, you are still nearly or certainly twice my age, and this is repellant to me – so stop messaging me. Unless you are James Marsters, Hugh Jackman or a select few others, you will not be able to convince me otherwise.

Or, look at it this way – would you be okay with your friends chatting up your daughter? Talking about running his 50-year old hands over her young, nubile flesh? Sinking his wrinkly, mostly-hard cock into her tight, young pussy?

No. You wouldn’t, I’m sure. I feel the same way. You’re old. Stop messaging me.

(And I’ll admit, for some people this is fine. I’m not one of them, and my profile expressly says so. Just ‘cause your fantasy is to bang some chick half your age doesn’t mean mine is to fuck someone twice my age).

4. Don’t talk dirty, ask for cam sex, ask me to watch you beat off on-cam or send me pictures of your cock unless I say I’m interested. This goes a billion times over to calling me up and asking if it I phone sex.

Here are examples of conversation that doesn’t mean the above:


Or, How are you?

Or, What are your weekend plans?

Or, No, I don’t have a cam/it’s broken/I’m not into that.

Here, for clarity’s sake, are ways in which I might show my interest:

I am really horny, and you are hot. Want to have cam sex?

Or, You have a really sexy body. How about I call you and tell you what I’d like to do to it?

Or, Could you send me pictures of your hot man-rod?

5. If someone says they’re not interested, take it in stride. There are thousands of people on Lava; I’m sure you can find someone who wants to see the puppet show of your penis baking flan that you recorded. Don’t push it; I’m not going to look at your email and go, “Well, he is 47… but he’s nice and in shape? I’m in!”

Conversely, if you’re not interested, feel free to say so, even after we’ve met in person. I’m a big girl; I can take it.

6. Don’t ask me for advice on how to get your girlfriend to agree to a threesome, or some other sex act. Just because she seems to want to doesn’t necessarily mean she does (fantasy vs. reality); I don’t know either o fyou, so I can’t honestly evaluate the situation or give advice; and finally, I really don’t care if it happens for you or not, to be honest. I don’t know you from Adam (or Eve), so I don’t hae a lot personally invested in your sex life. Really.

7. If I don’t reply to your message/email right away, relax. My computer screws up, my kitten demands attention, the phone rings, I’m in another section of Lava, I get busy, I try to do things other than just chat on Lava when I’m on my computer… calm down. It’s not rare for me to have more than one conversation going on at once, same as you. It happens, calm down and be patient.

8. Put a little effort into your profile, and especially your communication with me. Brains and humour interest me a lot mor than bodies, so I can’t bring myself to meet or sleep with someone who can’t communicate. If I want to fuck something dumber than a bag of hair, I have dildos and vibrators at my disposal – and even then, since I’m fucking myself, I know the conversation afterwards isn’t going to be awkward or stilted.

That made sense in my head.

Anyhow, let’s just say that these examples don’t exactly soak my undies:

u r relly cute

u r a total hottie!!!


what r u up too 2nite?

And other poorly-written communiques that I don’t have at my disposal. I don’t need someone who only writes with the Queen’s English, but someone who can at least recognize that short-handing words isn’t going to get in my pants any faster… and it’s certainly going to make me question their intelligence until they can prove otherwise to me.

9. Finally, if you’re interested in someone, especially after an in-person meeting, don’t be afraid to let them know somehow. Flirt a little, give them your number, ask them out for a change of pace, flat-out say it… remember, on-line communication is a lot different than in-person (I’ve never had a stranger on the street offer to beat off while I watched, or ask me to talk dirty to him, but such experiences are not uncommon on Lava), and tone/message/intent isn’t always as easy to read.

10. Don’t try to push someone into meeting somewhere or somehow they feel don’t want. If I’m suggesting coffee downtown, that doesn’t mean a movie and bath at your place… and if I say I’m not comfortable meeting at your place, that doesn’t mean I want your stranger ass at mine. Coffee, public place – it’s not painful, and it gives me a chance to talk to you and see how badly (and consequently, how soon) I want to jump you… or at least how soon I want to see you again. See? Works in your favour – at least, potentially.

Here endeth the lesson.

The run down on my dates? So far, fairly positive experiences. I bided (bid?) my time, waited to find a few I actually wanted to meet (or wasn’t 100% sold on, but not against meeting), and the experiences were good. The guys I met were perfectly respectful, no one made me feel uncomfortable (only one has kissed me to date, for example), and I took basic safety precautions – meeting in public locations at reasonable hours and so on. So far, I’m still alive and kicking.

I didn’t get on Lava expecting to find much of anything, at least as far as relationships and so on go. At best, I thought I might make a friend or two – at worst, meet no one. It’s been great dating experience, and it’s pretty decent for the ego – well, kinda. I picked a really flattering photo, and I don’t kid myself that those calling me sexy aren’t doing the same to a dozen other girls, but it’s still nice to be told I’m purdy. I don’t tend to get picked up (one bar pick-up to date), so it’s nice to know it’s not ‘cause I’m butt-ugly.

Anyhow, check it out for yourselves – don’t go just on what I say. It’s been said there are some regulars who chat up every new person; I haven’t tested this theory, but I don’t doubt it. If you meet your Mr. or Mrs. Right, I want to hear about it – and maybe get invited to the wedding? We’ll see.

In the meantime, here’s hoping things work out with the boy I’m eyeing, right? Right.


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