May – December romances? No, thank you!

I read an interview recently with Jack Nicholson that had him discussing how he’s similar to his character in that new movie, Something’s Gotta Give.

In it, he states how he’s a rogue, or used to be, but has slowed down somewhat due to health reasons.

Now, I look at Jack Nicholson and I see an unattractive, flabby, wrinkly, saggy-skinned, vaguely creepy old man.

Yet this man is a rogue, and gets women half his age on a regular basis.

Something’s Gotta Give just totally plans on that, and that drives me nuts. I’m so tired of seeing movies with dirty old men knocking boots with women half their age — and those are the “old” ones — and having some bigwig movie exec somewhere thinking that I’m supposed to buy this shit.

Men are allowed to totally go to pot and still get laid on a regular basis, but women, oh, Heaven forbid a woman get a little big around the middle or let some wrinkles appear. Then they’re put out to pasture, ’cause we all know that only in movies where they’re trying to make a point are women actually allowed to age. In real life, women don’t turn a day past 23. Nothing sags, no stretch marks, children are found under clover leaves so that we can avoid the problems associated with water retention, swollen ankles and little things like hemorrhoids or farting. Oh wait, sorry, I forgot — pregnancy is a beautiful thing and doesn’t involve anything “icky.”

Anyhow, that’s not my point. My point is, what the fuck is up with men getting away with the natural ageing process and women being hidden in caves the minute they dare age towards 30? Why can’t women date men their own ages, or even younger? Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher totally aside.

When a woman dates a younger man — if memory serves, Cher was a good one for this — she’s a cradle robber, she’s sad, she’s pathetic, she’s trying to recapture her youth… but when a man dates a younger woman — has Jack Nicholson ever dated anyone his age? — he’s a stud, he’s a rogue, he’s just doing what men do.

Bull shit. Men do what they choose to do because they’ve been socially programmed to do it, be it monogamy, polygamy, or whathaveyou. The same applies for women. Admittedly, we’re all getting some backbones and realizing that hey, life doesn’t have to mean 2.3 children, a picket fence and a heterosexual significant other. Life can be whatever you make of it, right up to 2.3 partners, no children, and the only pickets are in the bedroom to chain up your heterosexual/homosexual/bicurious significant other. I think that this is fabulous.

But at the same time, I can’t ever see myself attracted to a saggy, wrinkled, lecherous old man like Jack Nicholson. When I see someone like that, I do not think about tearing off his clothes and licking him all over — no way, no how. Hopefully when I reach that age, I’ll look at my husband — who will be around my age, thank you very much — and have those thoughts, but for now, I save ’em for the sweet young things, who are nicely built, have great stamina, and lots of enthusiasm and the willingness to learn. I’d rather not saddle myself with a stubborn old coot who can’t be taught new tricks.

Ooh, how ageist can I get? Well, I’m just keeping up with society, here. Lots of people are going to point to couples like Nicholson and whatever sweet young thing he happens to be — *shudder* — dating at the time and say that power attracts women. Personally, I scoff. Sure, power may attract some women — hence Clinton’s affairs, hence the casting couch, I know — but I’d like to go on record as saying that ain’t the case for at least one woman.

What attracts me is a guy who can make me laugh, and who can carry on a conversation — looks come somewhere after that. Now, I’ve seen a few Jack Nicholson movies, and quite frankly, I wasn’t doing a lot of laughing during As Good As It Gets — mainly, I was creeped out by the supposed “romance” going on between Nicholson and Helen Hunt. But at least she was a *little* bit closer to his age than Amanda Peet, one of his costars in his current film. Can we say granddaughter material? Sure, she may be over the age of consent, but scale both their ages down 25 years, and aren’t we into the same age-frame that everyone’s busy persecuting Michael Jackson for?

Okay, that one’s a stretch, but I still have the hibbly jibblies from the idea of Jack Nicholson naked, let alone the idea of that naked flesh touching someone who’s less than ten years older than me, especially when he’s triple my age. I’m off to gaze longingly at some nice young actors in order to get my libido somewhere close to back.

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