Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Everyone lies. Everyone: “Sure boss, I’d love to do the filing tonight!” “No, honey, it doesn’t bother me when you and your girlfriends get all hoochied up to go out clubbing!” “No, sweetie, you’re the only guy who’s ever made me come that hard. No, no one but you has ever made me scream.”

And yes, as much as honesty is touted as the best policy — and I do follow it… sometimes — is anyone honestly (there’s that word again), truly truthful 100% of the time to everyone?


Oh, I can hear the protests starting already, but come on! When was the last time you told a boyfriend or girlfriend, “I’m dumping you because you’re an asshole/bitch, you make me feel like shit about myself, and you’re a boring fuck”? How about, “You look great, except for that collection of moles on your chin that spell out “Hate me”? Or even, “No, I love hearing about how great your ex- was in bed”?

Okay, so that last one is a pretty extreme example, and not too many people would be too thrilled to hear a great deal about that one. But most of us are pretty quick to set aside the little things in order to make the river of true love flow more smoothly.

And honestly, I don’t think there’s much wrong with that. I will tell white lies to friends, family, and other loved ones in order to ensure that hurt feelings are kept to a minimum.

I call it harnessing The Bitch. This is the vicious person who lives inside of me that thinks, “Why are you propositioning me? Don’t you realize that I wouldn’t even consider sleeping with you if you were the last man on Earth? That’s what dildos are for!” (or for a better quote, from 10 things I hate about you: “Maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep. Are there sheep?”). This is the honest person that lives in my head that thinks, “I’m no size queen, but what you’ve got doesn’t look like it would satisfy a hamster.” This is me, wishing I could unleash The Bitch enough to say, “If you fuck the way you kiss, I’m going to end an evening with you feeling sticky, confused and very let down.”

Don’t act so shocked. You all have this person in your heads, you just temper him or her, same as I. I do acknowledge her, though. Why do we temper this person? So that people’s feelings won’t be hurt. You don’t tell someone that you’re dumping them because they bore you/you’re not turned on by them anymore/you’ve lost interest in them. Instead, you tell them you’ve found someone else (although this could be true)/that you need to get your shit together and you have to be single to do it/you’ve found religion and it doesn’t allow room for a relationship.

The risk in doing something like that is that it often leaves the other person hoping. Hoping that once you get your shit together/move back to town/get your wild oats sown/have time to sort out your head, etc… that you’ll want to get back together.

So every once in awhile, when it comes down to it, you have to be honest. Brutally, painfully honest. Well, maybe not quite that bad, but sometimes honesty ise the best policy. Tell your (now less) significant other that you don’t see any kind of future with him or her. Tell them that as much as you may find them special and amazing (okay, there may be some room for lying), that you’ve grown apart/moved on/moved out of town, and things between the two of you are over.

Another side of this coin is when a friend propositions you/expresses interest in you that isn’t reciprocated — that’s when you have to come up with a whole other string of lies/half-truths/full truths that are designed to keep from crushing his or her spirit, yet still get your message across.

Have fun with that one, and let me know what works — ’cause I’ve never had any luck with it.


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