I wanna feel you from the inside…

He pushed me up against the wall and pulled my shirt off over my head. Pressing his body against mine, I could feel his hard cock pushing against me, and it made me even wetter. All I could think about was how desperately I wanted to feel him fuck me, feel his skin against mine, his mouth biting my shoulder, my neck, his tongue deep inside my mouth, his hands on my tits… I dropped my hands to his waist and undid his pants as fast as I could, still desperately kiss him all the while. My main thought was to get his clothes off and get him on the bed, but he had me pinned against the wall, and he wouldn’t let me move. I slid his pants and boxers down as far as I could reach, then used my foot to shove them off the rest of the way. Hungrily, I reached for his cock, but he intercepted my hands and held them above my head, then used his foot to nudge my legs further apart. He held my wrists in one hand, and used his other to guide the head of his cock back and forth across my wet lips, teasing me and making me want him even more…

Sorry, I think I switched up websites there for a bit. I was going to title this post, “I want to fuck you like an animal,” but then I thought that wouldn’t make it very work-safe, so instead I took the second line of the song. Make it a little friendlier, dontchaknow.

There’s been a lot of discussion in various weblogs lately about how it is that women always seem to go for assholes, leaving all the nice guys behind and spanking their meat to pornography (another discussion for another column). As always, when it comes to sex- and relationship-related issues, I have something to (finally) say about that.

I’ve heard it time and time again: women want assholes. I’ve seen many of my male friends take this really to heart and play it out, finding some measure of success with it and having it even become a part of their personality, something that I find rather sad. Personally, seeing this put into play just makes me want to go and start hitting people things.

I’m going to do something I rarely do, and that’s make a blanket statement: women do not want assholes. Who would want someone that treats them like shit? Few women I know (i.e., none) have ever said, “I wish my boyfriend/husband would ignore me/my desires/my wishes/my interests/my needs/my feelings.” Okay, I’ve never heard any women say as much, but I don’t think it’s a common statement.

At the same time, women do not want men who put them up on a pedestal. Ha-ha, you thought I was going to make this easy for you, didn’t you? No way. Yes, we want to be treated well and respected and all that other stuff, but we also want guys to realize that we are human and fallible and we do things like shit and piss and bleed and cry and feel miserable and feel happy, and make sense and not make sense and feel horny and feel not horny and all those other things that you, too, feel.

Men do not get an exclusive on the gross bodily functions, nor do they get an exclusive on bad days. And for the record, just ‘cause a woman’s having a bad day doesn’t mean it’s in any way related to her period. Some of us are very unaffected by our periods, I’ll have you know.

But anyhow. We want someone who’ll listen to us and not try to immediately solve things. We want someone who can commiserate and relate and say, “Boy, your boss really does sound like a jerk,” or, “yeah, she really was being a bitch to you.” Some guys don’t do this, and that’s what we have girlfriends for – they’re the boyfriends we don’t sleep with… unless there’s a sleepover and baby doll nighties involved, and the pillow fights and the oil come out… well, that’s another column.

Okay, you’re tired of all of this – you want to know where the asshole factor comes in, right? Well, he can come into the bedroom, within reason. He’s the guy who’s not afraid to take charge, who’s not afraid to push us up against a wall and really initiate sex. The cuddling, sweet, massage approach is all well and good, but sometimes – and here’s another surprise about women – we just really want to get fucked, and fucked hard, and fucked right. If you’ve been with us long enough, you know how to do this by now, right?

This is where the lack of pedestal is important. Recognize that as your girlfriend, we do get special privilege, but that doesn’t mean that we lose our sexual desires and needs that existed before the girlfriend label. Your girlfriend is still the same chick that you plowed standing up outside a bar one drunken night, or that you took from behind in the car on the side of the road, where you’d pulled over because you were too damn horny to wait until you got to someone’s apartment. Just because we become your girlfriend doesn’t mean we don’t still want the hot, sweaty, monkey sex.

Of course… (oh, how many times can I go back and forth on this and confuse you totally?)… we also love the cuddling. That’s why we have a boyfriend, and not just random hookups in a bar; we want the cuddling and the love as well as the hot, sweaty, monkey sex. But the important thing is that we don’t want cuddling to always have to lead to sex. That’s kinda frustrating, and not necessarily why we want the cuddling in the first place. Show us physical affection, but don’t always turn physical affection into getting physical, if you know what I mean.

The appeal of the asshole? The mystery. The uncertainty. The excitement of not knowing where things stand. The length of time the attraction for the asshole exists? Eh, about three weeks. Maybe a bit longer if the sex is really great. Sure, be a little elusive and whatnot all you want at the start, but if a girl can’t rely on you, she’s going to find someone else to start bedding soon enough.

At least, that’s how I’ve always done it. I’ve given up on the uncertainty – so not worth my time. If someone can’t recognize that I’m worth their time and attention, why should I invite ‘em into my boudoir?

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