I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of being back in this place, feeling these same feelings, experiencing the same upset.
I want to know what it is about me that keeps this happening. It’s different every time; it’s not as if every guy leaves with the same statement. It’s always something different, but it keeps happening. So, what the fuck?
I can imagine the kind of comment he’s going to leave, and … yeah. Fine, whatever, it’s not me. Except that it is, ’cause this or that isn’t enough. How one feels obviously isn’t enough, otherwise it could work. Either that, or what I feel is not what he feels, and that’s a place I’ve been before, too.
It’s times like these that I hate and love having my own place. I like it because it allows me the privacy to do my sad, and I hate it because there’s no one around to hold me and comfort me.
I’ve gotten some sympathy from a girlfriend, who says she doesn’t understand the situation either — she understands me and where I am on it, just not him.
Part of me wants to just go and fuck someone and get it over with, since he already has, so why wait?
In other worlds, I’ve managed to fuck things up somewhat between Shawn and I. I know I need to talk to him, but I’m not sure if I can talk to anyone right now without starting to cry again. I know I should eat something, but I just can’t bring myself to make food or eat food or do anything aside from sit here.
I was going to write shortly after I found out — after I figured he’d have logged — but I think I dozed off on the couch. I’m not sure. I know there was crying.
Yeah, I’m sorry if it makes you feel bad, but I sobbed, ’cause I was hurt. Why was I hurt? ‘Cause I let myself feel, and that’s always the first place that I make mistakes. I let my guards down, and I let myself feel and I get hurt and I cry. Apparently this is a cycle that’s going to run every 6 – 12 months, and I have to say, I’m not impressed. I don’t like this trend, and I think maybe repressing everything and being materialistic and shallow isn’t all that bad right now.
After all, I had Chloe, and then she was gone, and I sobbed. Hell, I can still cry about it now. Then there was J, and that ended, and I cried. When Mark and I ended, I cried. Now there’s this, and I just don’t know what to think or feel or do or be or anything.
And he has the total advantage here, because he can read all of this and he can know how I’m feeling and I haven’t a fucking clue what’s going on in his head or his heart. “I love you/care for you, but…” seems to be the rule when it comes to having someone tell me they care for me.
How can you tell someone you love them and miss them and want to hold them and see them and make love to them when you’re doing all of that with someone else? Or some of that with someone else? How can you say that and really actually mean it?
“It’s not serious.” Great, that makes me feel a whole lot better. Yay, you can go and fuck other people and still care for me! Hooray!
Why did I think that the way I felt might change things? Why did I think that I could change things?
I need to learn, life is inevitable. It’s inevitable that I will keep dating either assholes or nice guys who break my heart, and that is how it’s going to go.
Fuck, I hate feeling.
Doesn’t all of this sound so fucking familiar to those of you who’ve been here since the start? This is the same shit that I went through with the ex-, some of the same shit that I went through with J, and now here I am, back at the fucking square one. How old do I have to get before I stop fucking up like this? Before I learn to stop feeling and stop getting hurt?
Christ, E had the right idea. No feelings, just friends and fucking, and life’s okay.