Everyone says I love you

“I love you” is a highly overused phrase. Romance novels and romantic comedies bill it as the phrase that women are simply dying to hear. Frankly, I’m here to say that that simply isn’t so.

Maybe I’m finally learning how to have sex like a man. Use ‘em and lose ‘em, right? Naw, that’s not fair. But sex doesn’t have to be all about birds and wedding bells for it to be fun or special.

I’m willing to grant that sex between two people who are “in love” carries different and possibly deeper meanings than sex between two people who aren’t. But sometimes couples develop blinders towards their significant others and don’t see them as the sexual beings that they were before the “in love” developed, and see them instead as someone special or precious or important whose opinion they don’t want to change.

As an example: I dated someone we’ll call Guybrush for about two years. We broke up, and he started dating someone we’ll call Virgin. Guybrush dated Virgin for a few months, not intending to change her status, and during this time would come back and visit his hometown and yours truly and attempt to have sex with yours truly. After Guybrush and Virgin consummated their love, Guybrush continued to attempt to have cybersex with yours truly, because “there were things he could say to me that he couldn’t say to her.” At this point, Guybrush and (ex-)Virgin had been dating for nearly a year.

Advice columnists and relationship advisers often have letters and requests from people who are trying to figure out how it is to bring up the idea of something new to their significant other. “How do I tell him I like to be spanked?” or “How do I get her to talk dirty to me?” are some of the tamer requests that I’ve seen fielded by professionals.

Yet, if these people were simply sharing a one-night stand, he’d be smacking her ass like it was a …something you want to whip with your hand, and she’d be dirty-talking up a storm. Why is it that once “I love you” gets said, people put one another up on a pedestal?

Men and women alike are human beings with faults. We fart, piss, shit, belch, vomit, get diarrhoea, stink, sweat, bitch, whine, moan, get sick and piss one another off on a regular basis. And this goes for women as well as men – sorry to break it to you, but women aren’t these pristine little creatures that never have a bodily function except the innocuous blue liquids that they feature in ads for mysterious “feminine hygiene products” with wings and scented doodads.

Men and women are also human beings with desires and likes. These change over time; once upon a time I thought that piercings and tattoos were scary and that pain was something I never wanted to willingly experience. As I got to know people who were into pain and I read up on it and began to understand why it is that people enjoy it in a sexual context, my perspective changed. Exposure to something makes us more amenable to trying it, or at least increases our tolerance of it in others, as a general rule. Being willing to listen to someone explain their kink or simply keeping an open mind is an important factor in life and particularly in relationships, in my opinion.

So why is it that the one person that we say we love more than anything is often the one person to whom we can’t open up completely and say, “It makes me wetter than blazes when I feel your cock rub against my thighs and stomach” or “It makes me hotter than redwood to think of you on your knees sucking my cock while your finger is up my ass, playing with my prostate”?

This is the person who’s supposed to love us regardless of our most depraved fantasies or desires. There are plenty of ways to approach telling them what turns you on, and while the examples I gave aren’t necessarily the best way of broaching the topic, they’re ideas. You never know; your fantasy or desire may be the exact same thing as what your partner is thinking of when he or she gets off, either alone or with you.

I’d originally started writing this with the intention of discussing how difficult it can be to say “I love you,” but as sometimes happens, my fingers have taken control of this article away from me. Maybe saying “I love you” is difficult for some of the reasons I’ve listed above; when you’re “in love” with someone, society dictates that everything is supposed to be rosy and perfect between you. All of a sudden, your significant other is supposed to be completely devoted to making you happy and should only ever look at, desire, and love you.

That’s a load of crap. As wonderful as it would be if my boyfriend only ever beat off to the thought of me, got turned on by me and loved me, it’s also unrealistic. I, too, notice other men, desire other men and care about other men. Crushes are a part of life, as is finding other people attractive. It’s simply a matter of how you deal with it; if you accept your crush and move on past it, or only indulge your lust in your head, who the hell cares?

Sure, you don’t necessarily want to go telling your One True Love that you thought about James Marsters last night while you got off (and cut that out, he’s mine), or that you sometimes picture tying up your cute neighbour and running your mouth all over her body until she’s begging you to get her off, but you never know; if your One True Love can accept that these thoughts are just that – thoughts and fantasies – and that regardless of who you might think of, you still want to and continue to jump his bone(s), it may go a long way to strengthening your sex life, relationship, and love.

The “I love you” definitely changes relationships. Sometimes it happens too early, or from someone that you don’t want to feel that way about you. Sometimes it doesn’t change circumstances, and you’ll break up anyways. Sometimes it means that you’re afraid to show someone your dark and dirty side. But if you’re lucky and you have the trust that goes hand-in-hand with a strong, loving relationship, saying “I love you” also means that you can say “I want you to call me your little come whore while you fuck me in the ass with this dildo and bite my nipples.”


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