Wax on… wax off

This is a new feature; it’s called the DrunkenWhore Reviews. This week, I review the infamous Brazilian wax. This article is going to appear in pieces, mainly because that’s how it got written.

Before:

After years of battling with red bumps and imperfect shaves, sensitive skin and dull razors, I have finally decide to take the plunge. It was time to go for the Brazilian wax job.

In the sense of what I will be left with after it’s all over, there’s not much difference between a Brazilian and a me wielding a razor and can of shaving cream; both will be leaving me quite bald.

However, shaving isn’t always perfect, even for an anal-retentive shaver such as myself. On the other hand, shaving is a fairly painless process.

If I seem nervous and indecisive, it’s because I am. I’m writing this while waiting for time to pass before my appointment, for which I arrived stupidly early — but such is the nature of the bus system.

Anyhow… it’s not so much fear of the pain, but fear of the unknown. I was tense and nervous before my tattoo and two of my piercings (my first, after the earlobes, and the major one without anaesthetic). I know this will hurt, but hopefully it won’t be a lingering hurt, and hopefully I won’t be so soured on the experience that I refuse to return.

So that’s where things stand pre-wax; nervous, hopeful that there’s enough growth, and more nervous. Everyone walk away from your computers for an hour or so (twenty minutes until the appointment and an hour for the procedure — or so I’ve been told), and return with me when it’s all over.

[Author’s note: Wow, was I ever freaked out here… check out all the rambling!]

During:

Ow.

My skin looks awfully red.

Ow.

She says I have a high pain tolerance, which is awesome; I always thought I was pretty wimpy.

Are we done yet?

Wow, that was only about twenty minutes.

After:

Okay, so it’s done. I sit here, about two hours later, feeling different.

It wasn’t a perfect wax, which is a bit of a shame. Had I waited a bit longer (I waited about two weeks after the last time I shaved) before I’d gone in, I’d have been better off. My skin was pretty irritated for awhile afterwards, but nothing I couldn’t handle; it felt like I had a bunch of razor burn, but it didn’t sting or anything.

As for pain factor… well, it’s not that bad. It hurts, yes. I won’t lie, and there’s no way that anyone can be made to believe otherwise — you’re having someone rip out your pubic hair by the roots with hot wax. Well, warm wax. How is that not going to hurt?

I was fortunate because I don’t shave every day or every other day, and I don’t have a lot of hair; it only took me about twenty-five minutes or so, including clean up. I’m also pretty comfortable with my body, so it didn’t bother me at all to be sprawled out half-naked in front of a stranger and help her out by holding my parts. The taughter you can hold your skin, the better off you are.

The mons (the fleshy pad of skin on your pubic bone) is the worst part. From there, it gets better, and everyone says the first time is the hardest; the lady who waxed me said that by about the fourth time, the hair just falls out when you put the wax on, ’cause the roots are weaker. They just give up.

So, all in all, my review is fairly positive. If you happen to shave and you’re tired of it, go and get a Brazilian. It’s up to you what you want left behind, and it’s a longer-term version of what you already do. Make sure you exfoliate beforehand, and don’t shave for a few weeks before you get it done — obviously.

As for me, I can’t wait to see how the next one turns out. I’ll just have to wait awhile to do so.

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