You were saying?

Once upon a time, a reader wrote in to me to ask how to talk dirty to her boyfriend. I don’t have access to my email from where I am, so I can’t quote her, nor can I reference her email more directly than that.

So, I was going to title this post Ask the DrunkenWhore, and I still am; I just don’t really have any clever acronyms or anything else to use. So… bear with me, if you will.

Talking dirty. It’s an art, it’s fun, it’s entertaining, it’s difficult, it’s awkward, and it’s different for everyone. One person will find “Ride me like a stallion!” to be the hottest thing he’s ever heard; the next one will burst out laughing. For some people, hearing the word “fuck” in any context is dirty and wrong, for others, it’s not just a command; it’s what’s for breakfast.

No really, that does make sense. Think about it.

And finally, some people have squick words. I, for example, am not really huge on the word “panties” or “moist.” I’d rather not have someone tell me that they want to get into my panties, and boy do I feel moist. Yuck. That’s not to say that I’m about to toss a partner out of bed for saying something along those lines, but there’s that little voice inside my head that’ll either ridicule the term or cringe, and neither one is especially conducive to a hot bounce around the bed.

So, what do you do? Well, the simple and most direct way to find out what it is that your sweetie wants to hear you say is ask. However, that’s difficult and embarrassing. Or just plain disappointing, at times; if you really have to hand your lover a script, why not just read porn?

So instead, find out what kinds of things make him or her hot. Try to find a porn tape without too much corniness to it and see if there’s a particular part of what’s being said that makes your sweetie hard or wet. Try whispering particular combinations of words and see what makes them groan.

Describe what’s being done to you by your partner, or what you’re doing (so long as your mouth isn’t full or otherwise occupied – if your mouth is at work around her clit, chances are she doesn’t want you to stop to tell her that’s what you’re up to) or feeling. “Oh, that makes me so wet!” is a good one, as is the male response: “You’re making me so hard!”

Some of my particular favourites: “You’re so tight and that’s making me so crazy,” “I love how you smell/taste/feel,” “I can’t wait to be inside you,” “I want to fuck you so bad,” “I love how wet you are,” and so on and so forth.

Excuse me for a few minutes. Whew.

Now, sometimes what you’re going to say in the bedroom is really somewhat corny. I try to avoid the standard, “You’re so big!”, ‘cause let’s face it, it’s one of the oldest lines in the book and I have a hard time believing that anyone is going to believe it. It’s one that I’ve resorted to only in the most extreme of situations, as it were.

And what situations they were…

*cough*

Sorry, moving on…

That’s not to say that there’s nothing you can say to your boytoy, though. “You’re making me so wet,” is of course, a good one, as is “You feel so good/hard/big/strong,” if that’s what you think he might like to hear. Many of the ones that guys can say work just as well in reverse: “I want to fuck you so bad,” “I want you inside of me,” “You smell fantastic,” “I want to ride you like the wild lovemonkey I am,” that sort of thing.

And then there’s just the simple things: “I really like that,” “that feels good,” “don’t stop,” “OhGoddon’tstopfortheloveofChristkeepdoingjustthatohmyGodI’mgoingtocome;” whatever happens to come to mind. As much as you’re in your mind in that sort of situation, really.

It’s a matter of overcoming shyness and managing to convey what’s going on in your head through your mouth, in a manner that your partner can understand and appreciate. Start small; use the descriptions and requests, then move onto the bigger things, like playacting and roleplaying, if you’re interested.

Sometimes all it takes is the addition of your partner’s name in front of whatever it is you’re saying. Just make sure you say the right name – otherwise, regardless of how dirty your talk is, chances are he or she aren’t going to want to hear it anymore. If you’re worried you won’t remember his or her name in the heat of the moment, use the standards: “Oh God,” and “oh fuck.”

Which reminds me of an old joke to end on:

Q: What are the four kinds of orgasms?

A:

The positive: “Oh yes! Oh yes!”

The negative: “Oh no! Oh no!”

The religious: “Oh God! Oh God!”

And the fake: “Oh (insert name here)! Oh (insert name here)!”

It works best if you have a friend you’re trying to burn.

Anyhow, that’s the first edition of Ask the DrunkenWhore.

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