Things I don’t understand

Okay, so today’s column is both late and it’s a mish-mash of things I just don’t get about people – men and women equally – when it comes to sex.

First of all, I’d like to begin by saying that I do not understand why it is that men lie about the size of their dicks when it seems inevitable that we’re (by this I mean their potential partners) going to see them. Do they think that dicks, like cats, all look the same in the dark?

I mean, seriously now. If you take me you have a big, thick cock, chances are I’m going to look forward to feeling or seeing that sucker. But if I reach down during a heavy make-out session and think, “What, does he want me to take a memo at a time like this?” then chances are I’m not fucking fooled, and you’ve lied.

There’s an old joke that I like to tell, and it goes like this:

Q: Why are women so bad at math?

A: Because all their lives they’re told that this (hold up fingers four inches apart) is eight inches.

I gotta say guys, no one is fooled by you adding four inches onto your overall length. Sure, you can probably exaggerate by an inch and no one’s the wiser — after all, few of us are about to whip out a measuring tape in the heat of passion to check your claim — but when you’re practically doubling your actual length, I’m gonna find out one way or the other. I mean, it really doesn’t take much to figure out that if I can wrap one hand around you and be done with it – and lemme tell you, I do not have especially large hands – then I’m not fooled. Period.

So be honest with your future partners – if you’ve got yourself a tiny tadger, don’t say you’re packing a monster prick. The only person you’re fooling is yourself, and chances are that unlike me or any other potential partner, you’re not going to be disappointed with your delusions of grandeur. After all, they say that it’s the motion of the ocean and not the size of the boat, and partly that’s true (and another column), but it’s also the mad skillz that you can employ with your hands and mouth that factor into things.

Secondly, I’ll attack my gender for some balance. Why the hell do women fake orgasms? Is there something wrong with not coming every single time you have sex (and that’s another column)? If your guy is never gonna make it happen, then change the position and fuck him stupid until he comes. Then, when you’re both of clearer heads and interested in a new mode of attack, go at it. Teach him how to get you off. But don’t be faking your pleasure – you’re only cheating yourself.

It doesn’t have to be a blatant statement like, “Darlin’, you suck at giving me head and I’m falling asleep up here. Get up here and fuck me,” although that would certainly be effective, I’m sure. Probably at killing your guy (or gal)’s ardour, but it’s not up to me to tell you what is the right or wrong way for you to communicate with your partner.

Oh, wait. This is my column. Sure it is!

If your partner’s enthusiasm just ain’t making it happen for you, then move on to something else. Get him or her to start playing with you by hand, and be sure to offer lots of praise and encouragement – be it something as obvious as, “Oooh yeah, right there, that’s working, don’t stop that” or lots of moaning and heavy breathing. Don’t do anything you find awkward or uncomfortable, but at the same time, don’t lie there like a cold fish, especially if it’s working.

Don’t be afraid to reach down there and show him or her how you like it; if you’re comfortable enough with your partner touching you, what’s the big deal with you touching yourself in front of him or her? After all, it’s your body, you’re free to abuse it as you see fit. A lot of men feel that an incredibly sexy sight is seeing their lady enjoy herself, and often they’re not too discriminatory as to whether it’s him or she doing the work.

In the end, even if you’re the one getting yourself off, at least you’re getting some satisfaction out of the deal, no? And wouldn’t you have screwed yourself anyhow if you had faked an orgasm? Think about it, there’s some philosophical twisty thinking for you in the midst of the chicanery that is this article.

On that note, I sum up: guys, don’t lie about the size of your dicks, ‘cause guess what – it’s not a secret you can keep for long (especially if you like the one you’re with). Girls, don’t fake orgasms – you’re cheating yourself most of all, but how the hell is your partner supposed to learn how to get you off if you’re training him to do the exact wrong thing?

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