Clean up in Aisle Four…

I’ll admit it, weird things fascinate me. Non verbal communication, shiny objects, stationery… and people’s sexual peccadilloes and oddities.

This ranges includes everything from position preferences to turn ons to methods of masturbation and clean up.

For some reason, I find it absolutely fascinating to learn the different ways that guys take care of the “after” product of their self-abuse. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a penis of my own to play with and figure out, but much that has to do with these dingly bits intrigues and entertains me.

A girlfriend and I used to have a “schloop” noise that we’d make in conjunction with an upward cupping/clutching motion; this was meant to represent the effect that a hand had on our gentlemens’ scrota, and we thought it was absolutely hilarious. Sometimes provoking those poor innocent testicles into migrating away from my tender (or something mildly chilled) touch would entertain me for longer than was likely fair.

The process of watching one go from hard to soft or vice versa amuses me, too. Well, amuse has the wrong connotation – so many people feel that laughter has no place in sex because of the delicate egos involved on both sides – but how else could I phrase it? It goes up, it goes down, it changes size, it disappears in cold situations, it provides pleasure – this is nothing short of entertaining and amusing, whether the situation is sexual or asexual.

Most anyone who’s had sex with a guy or is a guy has had to deal with the aftereffects. Many of my guy friends have the same story of beginning to masturbate at an age prior to the production of semen, and getting quite the shock the first time it happened to them; not all of them were aware that their bodies would produce such a thing, and it was a scare, at least at first. Hopefully, the first time that these same guys came in front of someone else, that second (or third and fourth) person was prepared to deal with the result.

It seems that many of my guy friends develop methods to ‘clean up’ after they’re done: I’ve heard tales of towels kept for that sole purpose and laundered once a week; piles of Kleenex disappearing into the wastebasket; dirty underwear; condoms being put to yet another use; time spent in the shower (with a quote I just have to share: “I only masturbate in the shower when I have time… or when I’m in a hurry.”), or even one guy who, if I interpreted correctly, tended to let it dry on himself overnight and then just wash it off in his morning shower.

Having been on the receiving end of the mess before, I know what a pain it is to clean off, and I wonder if some guys avoid getting it on them. I’ve heard one tale of someone leaning forward a bit too much and getting it in the eye – this is something that he would likely recommend avoiding. It seems it stings quite a bit.

When it dries on the skin, it has a strange kind of cold feeling that it draws – something almost akin to pouring rubbing alcohol on your hand and feeling it evaporate. It’s sticky in the hair and difficult to brush out, and if it’s left on your skin, either fresh or dried, it turns to glue in hot water. Isn’t this a wonderful thing that guys’ bodies produce?

It certainly reminds me at times that I’m glad to be a girl – like when I’m looking at someone trying to finger-comb it out of his pubic hair or frantically check the sheets or couch to see if there’s been any damage done, either in the form of a wet spot or a stain. For the most part, there’s much less mess involved from me, and I kind of like it that way.

Overall, I guess what fascinates me is the fact that everyone has a different method of dealing with it, and aside from Kleenexes, I’ve rarely heard the same thing said twice. Humans are creative people, and apparently that creativity extends right down to the methods we use to clean up come. Aren’t we great?


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