When Aunt Flo Comes to Town… That Bitch
First of all, I apologize for using such a horrid euphemism for the title, but I was told that “when the relatives are visiting” was too obscure of a reference.
Secondly, I find other expressions, like “riding the rag” or “surfing the crimson wave” to be so much more distasteful that I figured the one I chose was the best bet.
Anyhow, now that those are out of the way, back on track. I wanted to address the subject of sex during a woman’s period (now that the euphemisms are out of the way, too). There are so many myths and misconceptions, outright mistaken beliefs and such that surround the concept that I thought I would expose my readers to a taste (ooh, bad pun) of reality.
Of course, I acknowledge that I’m probably preaching to the choir (or the perverted… I mean converted). I like to believe that my regular audience is pretty informed and open-minded to begin with, but everyone can learn something, I like to write, and I like to try to open people’s minds to new subjects and ideas anyway.
I think I’ve successfully eaten up a good chunk of my average word count here, so without further ado (or rambling), I will get on to my subject.
Personally, I don’t have a problem with having sex while on my period. Sometimes certain positions can be a bit more uncomfortable than others, but it’s something that can be easily compensated for during the act itself. After all, isn’t half the fun of fucking in the changing of positions?
I admit that it can be a little disconcerting to finish having sex with someone (or be in the middle of it) and see blood on your dick; if this is a concern for you, I say keep the lights off until you’ve disposed of the condom. Sex in the dark is fun, so long as you’re careful about where you place hands and knees.
In situations like that, I also think one of the best things is to use a condom. That way most of the mess is kept on the latex or lambskin, and you don’t have to see it on your precious appendage; clean up at the end is also much easier this way.
I suppose I should take a minute to stop and explain something here to the guys who are unaware or have chosen to remain unaware: when a woman is having her period, unless something is wrong, it’s not a constant flow. It’s usually a light trickle at various times during the day, so there’s a very good chance that when you go to get busy with your honey, she won’t leave any unpleasantness behind. If the blood is the part that really bothers you, don’t have sex with her on the first or second day; those are usually the ones that are heavier. If your ladyfriend is anything like me, she’s usually feeling her most blah on those days and isn’t feeling particularly sexual anyhow.
There, now that I’ve lost all the squeamish readers, I’ll continue. Probably about half of the guys I’ve known have been willing to have sex during a woman’s period to some extent or another. Some prefer not to finger her; some prefer not to go down on her; still others prefer not to go near her at all until she’s all done, perfumed and spit-shined again at the end (I could go on a rant here about someone I know, but I’ll save that for my personal site – if you really want to read it, email me). On the one hand, I always pout when I get told by a guy, “I’ll have sex during that time, but I won’t do …”, and yet at the same time, I understand. If I were a guy (or a lesbian), I’m not entirely sure I’d be terribly enthused about the idea myself.
However, it’s still a time when you’re being denied some form of sexual act, be it just one or all of them, and that’s worthy of a pout or a sulk, in my opinion. After all, it’s when we’re denied something that we wind up wanting it the most – if I get told, “I won’t have sex with you during your period,” I wind up being so damn horny, it’s craziness.
But that’s neither here nor there. One of the other final things I recommend if you’re going to embark on sexual escapades during the period is a towel close at hand, or under the butt of whomever happens to be on the bottom; this way your sheets are protected. If you use a dark towel, you don’t even have to see a stain, although if you use a white towel you can bleach it later – this is especially handy if your sexual fetishes don’t include immediately leaping up to do laundry after the act finishes.
In the end, if you really can’t stomach the idea of a bit of mess (and what after all is sex, but a bit of mess?), then the shower is a handy option. You can have all the fun you want, splashing around in the water and soaping one another up and down, and you can either take things to their natural conclusion there… or you can hasten to the bedroom, where large comfy mattresses await. As well, you have the reassurance of knowing that your sweetiepie is as clean as you want her to be – after all, you had a direct hand in the process, so to speak.
That said, my usual advice applies – sex is dirty, messy and fun when it’s done right. The cleanup afterwards is just part of the entertainment… at least, unless you’re scrambling to get dressed in a hurry before you get discovered – in which case, it’s a nuisance. But all of that is fodder for another column.