Look Who’s Talking Now…

I find one of my favourite things about sex is the calm after the storm.

The moment when the two (or three, or four, or fourteen) of you are just lying around, feeling relaxed and giddy and yes, dare we say it, even stupid.

Maybe you’re feeling giggly, maybe you’re feeling exhausted and sweaty, maybe even energized, but it’s a great moment.

It’s the moment in which memories are shared, in-jokes are born, and the play-by-play is enacted, at least sometimes.

If you’ve been together for awhile, it’s the time when the teasing begins. That’s when you start making fun of one another’s orgasm faces, or noises made, or the things one or the other of you said during sex: “You wanted me to ride you like a wild… what was it? Rutabaga? What the hell was that about?”

It’s a moment of shared closeness, of real intimacy, and it’s really a great time.

The trick is, especially if you don’t live at home, not to fall asleep during this time. Nothing spoils a nice cooldown like waking up to find the folks coming up the stairs and the two of you, naked as the day you were born.

Admittedly, the folks have likely seen at least one of you in the nude before, but there’s generally been a bit of time between then and now… and they’re usually not too thrilled about finding you sharing that beautifully naked body with someone else.

Fathers in particular aren’t too thrilled about finding some hideous perverted beast despoiling their precious baby girls, regardless of how old, tame, or well-liked you are, that tends to be the father-daughter thought process.

But that’s a separate tangent. There’s something incredibly special about laughing with someone while the two of you are naked together after having shared some hot, sweaty, monkey lovin’ or some love making. I think a couple that can laugh about the lovin’ they just shared has a pretty special bond.

After all, it’s a pretty goony process, really. I’m not saying it doesn’t feel good or that I don’t enjoy it… but think of all the noises and faces and stupidities that go on during sex. I mean, really… the goofy things we yell out, or even the way we sound when we’re having sex? Can you imagine taking all of that seriously outside of the bedroom?

“Hi Frank, it’s Bill here. Yeah, I have that proposal you asked for on my desk right now, and I just wanted to say, “Ride me like a cowboy, big momma!””

…or even…

“Your total for today ma’am is … oh God! Oh, yes! Yes, right there! Fuck, yeah, that’s right! Five dollars and sixteen cents! Yes!”

On second thought, I think I need to hear more people working cash registers like that. Grocery shopping would be an awful lot more entertaining.

I’m trying to talk about the shared closeness that you can experience after a sexual encounter and how special that is, but I keep finding myself drifting off and making fun of various aspects of it instead. So, since I can’t stay on track, here are a few more ridiculous moments during the act of lovin’:

The orgasm face. I mean, as sexy as it is to see someone else enjoying themselves, especially if it’s because of something you’re doing, it’s still a pretty ridiculous expression on one’s face. I live in fear of anyone taking a picture of me when I come, ‘cause goodness knows it’s going to be one of the worst pictures imaginable.

The pussy fart. Argh. One of the worst moments in sex, aside from someone’s limb falling off, if I can say that and not have it be exaggeration (though it is, I know). The awful thing is that, as a woman, you can often feel it building up, but by the time you do, there’s no avoiding it. It’s not like you can do anything about it at that point, you just have to get through it, and really, there’s no dignified way of doing it. Oh yeah, and if you didn’t use condoms? Mess central.

And speaking of mess…

The wet spot. Battles have been waged and lost over who has to sleep in the wet spot. Women will argue that it’s usually because of the men’s … contribution to sex that the wet spot exists, so he should sleep in it. Men will argue that the women helped to create it, so she should have to sleep in it. Sometimes the wet spot is entirely the woman’s contribution, in which case I say, “Rock on, lady!” In either case, it’s just one of those things that movies and books don’t prepare you for, dammit.

As I’ve been saying, sex is beautiful and there are a lot of shared intimacies involved. The tender moments afterwards, while you’re snuggling, picking loose hairs off of one another and making fun of the various phrases and noises each of you made during the event are just some of them. Fighting over who slept in the wet spot last time or who screamed the loudest are a few others. But the important thing is that you both connected and became closer as a couple.

Or something like that.

I think.

I’d better try this one again later.


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