Sitting in Trees With Boys

I love kissing. I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty much my favourite kind of sexual activity. The closeness of two bodies, two people nervous and anticipating, the quick or slow brush of someone else’s lips against yours, two breaths mingling… yum. How can that be anything but marvellous?

Yet it can be. Call me a whore – hell, call me a drunken whore – but I’ve kissed a fair number of people, and I’ve developed a list of likes and dislikes when it comes to my favourite act. For fun, I’ll start with the dislikes:

1. Bad breath and smoker’s breath.

Now, I can handle bad breath once in awhile. I mean, not everyone plans out when they’re going to kiss or get kissed, so sometimes you’re left with Coke breath (my problem), or pizza breath and there’s not much you can do about it, and gum doesn’t always help.

But the occasional “oops, I ate an onion seasoned with garlic and washed it down with warm Coke” breath is worlds apart from the “rotting carcass of an animal whose last meal was an onion seasoned with pickled garlic somehow crawled in my mouth and finished decomposing here” breath I encountered with one ex-boyfriend of mine. Ouaf! It was terrible. If brushing your teeth and gargling with mouthwash doesn’t improve your breath, go straight to your doctor or dentist, do not pass Go!, do not collect any more kisses.

When it comes to smoker’s breath… well, where to begin? I’m a non-smoker. I don’t like the taste of cigarettes on someone else. When people tell you it’s just like licking an ash tray? Well, I haven’t done that, but I’ve smelled one after it’s been washed. Neither is a pleasant thing to do, in my opinion. But, for someone else who’s a smoker, it mightn’t be so bad.

2. Guys who do not use their tongue.

This covers guys who keep it in their mouths and don’t bring it out to play, guys who stick it in your mouth and leave it there, or guys who just stick it straight out and never take it back.

When it comes to using your tongue, be creative! Tease your partner’s lips, run it lightly across their teeth, use it to hunt out their tongue and engage it in battle, but gentle; we’re not playing with swords or trying to choke each other.

If you can’t keep your tongue moving when your hands are busy doing something else, get it the hell out of my mouth. I’m not aroused by the presence of this flaccid bit of your body lying limply in my mouth; I’m aroused by it playing with mine.

On that note, full extensions, people! I’m not saying I need for you to tell me I don’t have any tonsils, but don’t be afraid to give more than the tip of your tongue. If there’s too much tongue in my mouth, I can back off; if there’s not enough… well, you’re just teasing, and that has its place, but not the whole time.

Finally, a tongue is not a dick; you can do a lot more than just stick it out and expect me to work around it, or keep it hidden and never let me see it. I’m not going to be too interested by just bobbing up and down on your tongue, or having to dodge it; every once in awhile it’s nice to change things up by mixing the tongue kissing with little pecks or nibbles. Don’t be afraid to try different things… just don’t be slobbering all over my chin.

3. Roaming hands and rushing fingers.

The worst kiss I ever had involves Mr. Man immediately sticking his tongue down my throat and grabbing my breast. Sure, if we’d been going out for awhile, I mightn’t have minded, but that was his ideas of a good first kiss. Oh, and he was a smoker. I was not impressed.

I think for first kisses in particular, unless your date (male or female) is humping your leg, hands should likely stay in safe places; shoulders, waist, hips, arms, sides of the face, back of the head. Those are all sexy places to be touched when sharing a kiss; having someone palming your crotch or feeling up your breast has its place, and unless the first kiss lasts three hours, I don’t think that’s the best time for it.

Now that I’ve ensured that no guy who reads this will ever kiss me again, for fear of a negative evaluation, I’m going to move on to some likes. Not every kiss in my life has sucked… just the ones that did really stood out.


1. Guys who know how to mix up the tongue kissing and the soft pecks, nibbles, and kisses elsewhere. I love to have someone kiss my neck, and I love to nibble someone’s ears. You can get a lot of teasing in without ever stripping off clothing.

2. Confidence. This is so important. The sexiest first kiss I ever got was also super-brief. The guy pulled me forward slightly, leaned down and kissed me twice, then said goodnight. Shivers for days, let me tell you.

3. The feel of a tongue filling my mouth, playing with mine. This isn’t something that’s great for really long periods of time, but for a minute or so, especially when someone’s playing with mine? Damn, that’s good.

4. Teasing. Teasing is always good. Facing someone and bringing your open mouth close enough to brush theirs, they lean close, you back off, they whimper… very sexy.

5. Just plain making out, no roaming hands or rushing fingers or anything else. Especially if the person you’re making out with is new to you, or you’ve already slept with him or her; there’s so much anticipation and sexual tension and good frustration that it’s a hell of a lot of fun to do once in a while.

Kissing is a big deal to me. It’s how I judge whether or not I want to go any further with the person at hand. I always figure, if a guy’s a poor kisser, how’s he going to be at doing anything else in the bedroom?

So I’m off then; time to try out the next batch of applicants to the Boudoir.


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