In other words…

When one is going through a long dry spell, one quickly begins to experiment. This helps to alleviate the possibility — some might say the inevitability – of repetition leading to boredom. Green Day puts it rather succinctly: “When masturbation’s lost its fun, you’re fuckin’ losing.”

It seems funny to think that bringing yourself such utter pleasure can actually become boring, but it’s true. Well, boring isn’t exactly the right word — I can’t honestly say that being on the edge of a screaming orgasm is when I’m yawning and wondering if anything good is on television – but repetitious seems to describe it aptly.

So, experimentation is the next step. In surreptitious locations, with foreign objects, new reading material, phone sex… these are all great, tried, tested and true forms of spicing up something otherwise relatively simple.

But today’s focus is something a bit different, something that usually requires a partner… unless any of the ‘psychiatrist’ computer programmes (such as Eliza or Dr. Sbaitso) respond in a way that turns your crank, it’s usually best to have another person for cybersex.

Okay, okay, I’ll wait for you to put down the tomatoes and listen. Just hear me out, okay?

I know the sleazy reputation that cybersex has, and yes, to some extent I agree. It can be somewhat icky and all that, but to some people, so is using a sex toy, or putting assorted household objects up your ass in order to heighten your state of nirvana when you’re getting off… so think over what I’m going to say about it before you click away. Thanks.

Anyhow, one of the best ways I’ve found to have cybersex is either with someone you’re already sleeping with in person (which begs the question – why the dry spell?), or someone you’re unlikely to ever see in person. This lessens the chance that you’ll feel embarrassed when/if you see them in person, and it helps lower your inhibitions when the two of you disrobe – cyberly speaking, that is.

Conversely, it can work well with someone you do see in person, so long as the two of you have a clear understanding of where you want your on- and off-line relationships to begin and end. I leave those distinctions up to you.

A few supplies to have on hand (so to speak) for a cybersex experience:

• Sturdy lock on your door: you don’t want parents, roommates, or the meter guy wandering in at an inopportune moment (unless you’re filming a porn film, which begs the question – why the dry spell?);

• Lubricant: whatever parts you possess, it’s always a nice thing to have close by;

• A towel: sitting on a leather or wooden computer chair can get awfully uncomfortable if your naked behind sticks to it;

• More towels: for cleaning up whatever needs cleaning up – dust, spilled drinks, lubricant, bodily fluids, motor oil, etc.;

• A stable computer and Internet connection: you don’t want your system going up and down more than you are, or worse, going down completely at a crucial moment (for modem users, I recommend turning off call-waiting if you know in advance in what mischief you’ll be partaking);

• Dextrous one-handed typing skills;

• Whatever other toys you and your typing partner decide you might need to enhance the experience.

When it comes to the event itself, there are two main ways it can go. Scheherazade-style, where one of you narrates a story to the other; or call-and-response style, where you each describe what you’d be doing if you were there in person.

I find Scheherazade-style good for the first few times you’re playing with a new partner, or if you’re new to or awkward with cybering in general. This can be a back-and-forth experience in a way – “I’ll show you mine next time if you show me yours tonight.” It’s also great if one of you is feeling particularly inspired or creative, and the other isn’t – this gives you, the reader, two free hands, unless you stop to type an “ooh” or an “ahh” once in awhile.

With call-and-response cyber, this is a good way to simulate sex a bit more realistically (if such a word can be used in that sense). “I remove your shirt and rub up against your strong, hairy, man chest” could get the response “my strong, hairy man meat quivers in anticipation,” in which case, I respond, “I understand your dry spell now,” and disconnect. Quickly. There’s cyber sex, and them there’s cheesy porno/70s romance novel. If I wanted the latter, I’d go read it on my own.

Anyhow, that’s just me and my preferences. Maybe that would get your “moist pearl” of a girl part “dewy with anticipation” or your “purple missile of love standing at attention,” in which case, I wish you both happy typing.

In the meantime, I have my candles lit, my mood music a-playin’, and my status set to invisible. It’s time for me to … go to bed, ‘cause no one’s online. Ah well… being stuck in a rut like this isn’t exactly a total hardship.

Oh yeah, my final bit of advice for this week: stop if your wrists hurt. That applies both to the typing, and the self-lovin’.

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