What a buzz!

Well, today I got to play in one of my new favourite stores: the sex store. Correction, the woman-friendly sex store. This one in particular has all of their dildoes displayed facing more or less straight out from the wall, so it’s very tempting to go over and “twoing!” the poor things, just to watch them bounce up and down. I’m easily amused, what can I say?

Anyhow, this store had a lovely selection of vibrators, which is what I’d like to talk about today. I like vibrators! They’re great; when you’re feeling lazy, you can get off. When you’re in a hurry, you can get off. When you want to have multiple orgasms and your fingers just can’t do it, you can get off. When you don’t have a partner, or your partner just isn’t managing to do it, you can get off. When your fingers just aren’t getting you there, you can get off. Did I mention, you could get off?

There were great amounts of laughter had today, as I explored the various vibrators that they had. There were a few of the more expensive models that included beads that rotated, a vibrating clitoris thingy, and often a swivelling head. Now, I personally have yet to find a dick that does all that, but if I do, well… I don’t know if I’ll run and hide or run to the bedroom, dragging the guy behind me as I go. No, on second thought, it’s probably the latter. After all, you’d have to try him out just once, for the experience, if nothing else – think of the stories!

Anyhow, back on track. Tonight I also saw a little bullet vibrator attached to a plastic car; it was actually one of the wheels that you turned to start the vibrating and control its strength. Which leads me to another preference; I like vibrators with controllable speeds. That way, you can drive yourself or a partner insane by keeping it at a low, gentle hum… or you can burn off your clit by cranking that sucker.

Okay, okay, don’t hurt yourself. Turn the motor down to an acceptable level – ideally the one that will have you screaming and clutching the sheets or someone’s head. After all, isn’t the point to a vibrator to get off? I think I might have alluded to that earlier.

Anyhow, one of the things I really liked about this store was that all of their vibrators were on display, and contained batteries or a power source, so you could test out the vibrations for yourself and decide whether the one you held was strong enough or would get you off if you sat there all day… which could make for a really interesting BDSM situation, and a damn big tease… but I distract myself.

The vibrator that I found today that I thought was really awesome was called the iVibe Egg (I know, I know, vague overtones of an iMac, but bear with me). If you have about $90 and a mean streak, go buy this sucker as soon as you can. Not only does it have variable speeds, but it has five different ‘functions’: vibrating; pulsating; surging; escalating; and roller coaster. Any vibrator that has ‘roller coaster’ as an option is worth buying for the humour value alone, no? And for the techno nerd in you, it has a little LED screen that shows how strongly you have the thing turned up. Instead of a little turning dial or speed control on the side, it has little touch buttons to change the settings… so if you’re playing in a BDSM scenario, someone’s going to have a lot of fun, and someone else is going to have a lot of torture… and a lot of fun.

I don’t mean for this week’s column to turn into an advertisement for the iVibe, I just thought this thing was the coolest… and since I’ve been discussing BDSM a fair bit lately, teasing and torture were a little on the brain. Just a little.

Sorry, what was I saying? Right, vibrators. The best advice I can give to someone who’s first buying a vibrator is, don’t buy something that makes you uncomfortable. If it feels too strong in your hand, or not strong enough, it’s likely not going to feel very comfortable against your most tender parts. Don’t be afraid to ask the clerks questions; they’ve had much weirder and much shyer people in the store than you, guaranteed. Hell, I’ve gone vibrator shopping drunk, so I’m sure there were stories told about me afterwards. If you feel like bringing in a friend as an advisor, do it. You guys can have a great time laughing at the ones that have weird colours, shapes, or functions.

Anyhow, I think I might head back to that store… I just can’t seem to get that iVibe off my mind. What’s a little teasing before the pleasing? Damn satisfying when you do finally come, that’s what.

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